Let's Keep It Movin'...Movin'

Since there was such a positive response (ha!) to my post the other day about Gloria, the giant beanbag lady, I thought that I would bring you some more fantastic craft ideas from the same book, The Family Creative Workshop: Volume 14 so that I can put it back on the shelf for good bury it in the ground.

And before you start to whimper and whine, let me tell you that the subtext to that book title is "Quilling to Rope Knotting" so hey, consider yourself lucky that I chose neither. Instead..

Choo! Choo!


A Little Locomotion seems to be in order for this unusual couple.

And man alive, if those two don't put the "loco" in locomotion, I don't know what does! And yes, they are indeed pantyhose craft. Which you may know gives me the ugly shivers.


How about some close-ups?



Ohmyheck, that face!
And how creepy is pantyhose cleavage, huh?


Four things come to mind when I look at her:

1. That song with the lyrics, "Ruby...don't take your love to town".
2. That other song about the girl named "Fancy" who turned prostitute to save her family.
3. Belle Watling as done by a man with five o'clock shadow.
4. I should start using anti-aging cream.


And what about the conductor of this little crazy train?


Like a worm shoved in a sock.


I know what you're thinking: "It's a shame that we can't see him better."


Kiss me, slobber lips! I'm thirsty!

Your mind is going crazy, right? You don't know what's true anymore?

Maybe the text from this chapter of the book can assist:

"Such sculpted heads can be stitched onto realistic bodies, like that on the lady on the locomotive, or on bodies that are merely suggested, like that of the engineer....Or if you prefer, you can make the head pillow-size and leave it at that."


Can you just imagine?


Don't worry. Even in this imaginary scenario, Pip is coming to destroy them.

That's some nasty..nasty business, isn't it? Pantyhose crafting, people. I know that my name is Eartha Kitsch but I can't condone it. I mock it to make sense of it. That's my only explanation.

Okay, now one more for you from the same book:




Not that I don't love you but you're on your own with this one.

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

Seek and Ye Shall Find

I'm sure that most of you who have websites are like me and love looking at your statistics. I always especially enjoy seeing the search terms that people use to find Ranch Dressing. Of course, like I've said before, I get a LOT of people who are just looking for a recipe for ranch dressing and again, I apologize. The most recent non-salad related ones that made me giggle are:

Cat hustle - Ooh! Cute! I'd like to see that too! Tiny little leisure suits and paws pointed towards the sky.

Dressing like a buckaroo - Cool. All about it. Send me snapshots.

I want to own him, help - Whoa. I can only hope that this was some kind of knick-knack lust emergency as in, "Oh my god...this ceramic duck is wearing cowboy boots! But I can't afford him! I'll bet that Eartha can help!"

And then I kid you not, this one popped up:

I own him.

Huh! And here are some more terms that brought folks to the ranch:


Cat in a fireplace - SEVEN people searched for this one. Which is good because I do have a photo of a cat in a fireplace. She shoots! she scores!



Creepy Fruit - Yep. Endorsed by Eartha.

Macaroni with Tone Fish - This one is puzzling but the fact that not one but THREE people found me with the search term? Even more so.

And in the same vein:

Macaroni Vent Covers - Ha! What do y'all take me for?? Whatever it is, I like it!

And then there was:

Squirrels dressed up Roman - Once again - love to see it.

70's Hot Tub - Yep, I just keep on getting hits this way. For those of you who are used to my hot tub fascination, you'll probably shield your eyes now. Those who don't...


One.


Two.


Three!



Rub-a-dub-dub!

Ha! Oh my god, that one never gets old to me.

Next up:

Big Beautiful Woman Dominatrix - I know of a lot of vintage loving gals who get this one. Sadly, I'm a big, beautiful kitten without a whip. Can I interest you in a photo of a cat in a fireplace instead?


Ooh! Now that's what I'm talking about! Hawt!

Well, whatever brings you here, I hope that you keep coming back. And I promise you that one of these days, I'm going to post a ranch dressing recipe to make this whole thing legit.

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

The Truth About Gloria aka "The Saddest Seat on Earth"

I've been wanting to bring more crafting to Ranch Dressing so I thought that this might be a good (okay, questionable) place to start. Today's offering is from the book The Family Creative Workshop, Volume 14.




I know what you're thinking: "This has GOT to be a fetish thing!"

Nope, it's just a 1970's thing. It's okay. A lot of people get the two confused.

Here's what the book says about the above:

It is la dolce vita with this well-upholstered chair-person around to comfort and to cushion one after a hard day at the office.

Okay so...la dolce vita - Either the writer is saying that having this doll to come home to is like living "the good life" or he's comparing it to a Fellini film. If you've ever seen a Fellini film, you might agree with me that this would fit right in. I'm gonna choose the latter.

Back to it:

If you take a rag doll to a larger-than-life extreme, you may have an enormous chair-person like exotic Gloria, above, to share your living room.

Right. If Gloria is exotic then I'm Chita Rivera!

She is as comfy to snuggle up with as she looks, since her torso is made from two ready-made pillows sewn together...

I'm sorry. Let's stop again. I've got to get this out in the open - is anyone thinking this besides me?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies??




Can you see it? Can you see it??

Alright, back at it:

Antique boots from a thrift shop were stitched to her feet, and I sewed junk jewelry rings on her fingers. A black silk scarf stitched around her face and stuffed makes a very stylish pageboy bob.

Sigh.

Her cigarette, by the way, is detachable, in case the hostess does not allow smoking.

1. Wait - the hostess? Are they suggesting that one take that...that...Gloria to dinner parties as their guest? "Aww gee, hon. Do we have to invite Carl? He always brings that demented beanbag, Gloria!"

2. As if anyone could enjoy snuggling this doll if they hadn't been smoking something!

You know, the seventies were truly some whackadoodle days. I grew up during that era and even though I love a lot about that time, sometimes, even I am shocked at some of the stuff that came out of those years. But rest assured, sometimes we learn our lessons about things and won't repeat them. For instance, today's version of the pillow lady above:


source

You see? No head this time around! There..isn't that better?

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

Oh, and p.s. : Man Marries His Body Pillow

Just To Show You That I DO Exercise SOME Self Restraint

There have been some pretty interesting free items in our local Craigslist lately. None quite as thrilling as the giant dinosaur that got away but, still pretty interesting.

First up:



At first, you're led to believe that this is just your average, everyday free walrus head:

This walrus head has been in my family for years. I have never liked it. It was given to me by my Father in his will.

Yes...yes...I mean, who hasn't lost track by now of how many walrus heads we've been bequeathed? Then the ad gets more interesting:

I'm sure it's his idea of a way to get back at me for my alternative lifestyle that he never approved of.

I'm not sure how the two go together but I'm sure that this guy knew his Dad better than I did so we'll trust his judgment on family matters. He goes on to say:

I'm going to throw this in the dumpster by the end of the week. I can't even sleep with this thing in the house.

Now call me sadistic but I love picturing this guy tossing and turning, staring at the walrus head and then defiantly hitting the dumpster in his pajamas to toss that baby in. Even though I was thoroughly curious and sorely tempted to go to this guy's house and find out what his "alternative lifestyle" is and take that walrus head off of his hands, it just smacked of bad juju to me so I let someone else have that adventure.

Next up, vagueness:



This ad read:

Free Beautiful Thing - I have a very beautiful thing that has been in my family for a very long time. It's quite ornate and in very good condition so I hate to throw it out. Is there anyone who wants this?

Now, you call tell that I must have had a busy week not to have called this person - because this one just reeks of intrigue to me. Why wouldn't they name what this "very beautiful thing" was? Sadly, we'll never know because I lamed out. It was probably gilded and Rococo and had sassy velvet tassels and it's plush velvet was stuffed with old hundred dollar bills but noooooo...


Up next, I bring to you"free ugly chair":



The text:

FREE UGLY CHAIR - Hey there! I have a really big, very urlg chair for free! It's really nice to sit in, would look GREAT with a cover, but has damage from my dogs, and it's just...old. If you'd like to take it home, please email me! It's a light tan/white cloth with light blue and dark blue random pattern...

What's that? Want to see a photo of the chair?



The owner of the chair goes on to say:

That's my chair in the picture with the dogs sleeping on it..

Well, you don't say! And then the best line ever:

Kind of reminds me of the beach. Not sure why!

The beach! Ha! Something tells me that this person has not been to the beach in a really, really long time. That same something also tells me that they might have done better to use the approach of the previous ad and just put "Free Beachy Thing".

And if that chair was a day at the beach, then this couch has to be a luxurious Mediterranean cruise:



Ah...those glorious words that copywriters have only dreamed of coming up with down through the ages:

It wants to be under your ass all day.


Truth in advertising is a beautiful, beautiful thing.


Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

What Do You Celebrate?

Today I decided to be a more celebratory person. No, I'm not going to drink champagne all day or be that lady who yells "Whoooo!!" in public. Here's what I mean - I've noticed that our lives are usually so hectic here at the ranch that sometimes, the only time that I slow down enough to notice things are when things go wrong. I've decided to turn that muckey muck around. I'm going to start noticing when things go right.

This week for instance - We saw the five month anniversary of Skippy Lou going missing. The search goes on. It's so easy to get caught up in the sad parts and wonder why we haven't found her and if she's okay. But often, I get so caught up in that avenue of thinking that I forget about all of the lost and abused animals that we've been able to save - more than I can even count now.

Just this week, I reunited a lost husky with his daddy as well as a lost wedding ring with it's owner. I was also able to help get a sweet, scared little Papillon sprung from the shelter and on his way to a new, happy home. All because I was looking for Skippy Lou.

Also, a volunteer called me to give me an update on a dog that was found a month ago by a lady who thought that she'd found Skippy Lou. This sweet old lab was found wandering with her paws completely raw. She could barely walk a step further. She was taken to a no-kill shelter and treated for what turned out to be a horrible skin infection in her paws. The volunteer called to tell me that she was about to go home to a new family who would love her for the rest of her days.

And today I realized that I barely took half a breath to celebrate before moving on to more work and worry. That's three lives saved and a sentimental item back where it belongs and I'm all, "Damn...SO much to do! Why can't I get a break?" Something is sooo wrong about that, no?


This brings me to our kitty Mishka:




I love my Mishka. She is my number one snuggle buddy. And lately, she's had some major health scares. Just last month, she went under the knife and the vet feared that he'd find cancer. The Mister and I were scared to death and walked around in a stupor for days, talking about the horrible things that might be about to happen. Luckily, she was cancer free. I remember us feeling very relieved but I don't remember us taking even a smidgen of the time to celebrate that we did to worry. Can you relate at all?

Today, we were back there again. I took Mishka to the vet this morning for another surgery and due to some more health issues, the vet suspected that she might have FIV or Feline Leukemia. We'd had her tested when we rescued her from outside but sometimes, you can get false negatives on the tests. The tone of the vet's voice had me in a daze by the time that I left, passing an owner receiving the body of a euthanized pet as I left the building to await her test results.

I called the Mister and off we went again on the tangent of worry and sadness and fear. We started talking over all of the possible bad endings, both of our voices quivering on the phone. All morning, we walked around thinking and predicting the worse. Then I got the call - Mishka doesn't have either FIV or Feline Leukemia. All of her test results came back fine! Whew! <---let me tell ya. I called the Mister with the good news and then sat only for a couple of minutes before getting up to worry about something else.

And then thankfully, I caught myself. Something said "Celebrate This" and I stopped to realize that so much of our lives are spent worrying and dreading and looking back on sad events. And it's very seldom that we devote as much time to the happy things. Sure, we celebrate the big ones - weddings and birthdays and new babies. But do we stop to celebrate the everyday happy spots? And I started decorating. Because I wasn't sure how to adequately celebrate a disease free Mishka.







Hell to the yeah...paper chains




I know what you're thinking - Cat's can't read signs. Nor will she understand paper chains. Or the pizza party that the Mister and I will have. They're just gestures of thankfulness and joy. Mindfulness. I think of the sad face of the man who I passed this morning, watching as the vet softly placed his deceased dog in the back of his car and I know that chances are, he wishes that he could go back in time before whatever took his dog happened and just watch his pup run, and his eyes dance when he called his name or scratched behind his ear. To have the time to be mindful and to live in that moment and let his heart be glad.

I can easily look back on loved ones who were once with me but are now gone. Or times when my health was better. Or that snippet of childhood before I learned about grief. If I'd known then to appreciate every second of those times, it would be a wonderful thing. But I can't go back and change that. None of us can. But I can hold myself up to do better now that I realize.

What do you celebrate?

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha