Just To Show You That I DO Exercise SOME Self Restraint

There have been some pretty interesting free items in our local Craigslist lately. None quite as thrilling as the giant dinosaur that got away but, still pretty interesting.

First up:



At first, you're led to believe that this is just your average, everyday free walrus head:

This walrus head has been in my family for years. I have never liked it. It was given to me by my Father in his will.

Yes...yes...I mean, who hasn't lost track by now of how many walrus heads we've been bequeathed? Then the ad gets more interesting:

I'm sure it's his idea of a way to get back at me for my alternative lifestyle that he never approved of.

I'm not sure how the two go together but I'm sure that this guy knew his Dad better than I did so we'll trust his judgment on family matters. He goes on to say:

I'm going to throw this in the dumpster by the end of the week. I can't even sleep with this thing in the house.

Now call me sadistic but I love picturing this guy tossing and turning, staring at the walrus head and then defiantly hitting the dumpster in his pajamas to toss that baby in. Even though I was thoroughly curious and sorely tempted to go to this guy's house and find out what his "alternative lifestyle" is and take that walrus head off of his hands, it just smacked of bad juju to me so I let someone else have that adventure.

Next up, vagueness:



This ad read:

Free Beautiful Thing - I have a very beautiful thing that has been in my family for a very long time. It's quite ornate and in very good condition so I hate to throw it out. Is there anyone who wants this?

Now, you call tell that I must have had a busy week not to have called this person - because this one just reeks of intrigue to me. Why wouldn't they name what this "very beautiful thing" was? Sadly, we'll never know because I lamed out. It was probably gilded and Rococo and had sassy velvet tassels and it's plush velvet was stuffed with old hundred dollar bills but noooooo...


Up next, I bring to you"free ugly chair":



The text:

FREE UGLY CHAIR - Hey there! I have a really big, very urlg chair for free! It's really nice to sit in, would look GREAT with a cover, but has damage from my dogs, and it's just...old. If you'd like to take it home, please email me! It's a light tan/white cloth with light blue and dark blue random pattern...

What's that? Want to see a photo of the chair?



The owner of the chair goes on to say:

That's my chair in the picture with the dogs sleeping on it..

Well, you don't say! And then the best line ever:

Kind of reminds me of the beach. Not sure why!

The beach! Ha! Something tells me that this person has not been to the beach in a really, really long time. That same something also tells me that they might have done better to use the approach of the previous ad and just put "Free Beachy Thing".

And if that chair was a day at the beach, then this couch has to be a luxurious Mediterranean cruise:



Ah...those glorious words that copywriters have only dreamed of coming up with down through the ages:

It wants to be under your ass all day.


Truth in advertising is a beautiful, beautiful thing.


Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

Breaking News out of Nashville

Hey buckaroos! How many of you felt the earthquake today? Wowee, crazy!

We didn't get any here in Nashville but as we're not ones to be outdone, we had our own scare to worry about:



I would so love to say that I was late to work because of displaced bull semen.

"It was no different to us than if a mattress fell off a truck," said transportation spokeswoman B.J. Doughty.

And in other news:




Hot dog! I bet you anything that this will be the last time that my Ranch Dressing source files read "bull semen" and "Barbara Mandrell's couch" all in the same day. It's one of those rare occurrences. Kind of like Halley's Comet.

In more free couch related news:



Trust me. That's the kind of two-for-one special that one can find a lot around here. Don't jump on the first one.

That reminds me - one of my friends once posted a free mattress on Craigslist. Guess who called him about it? Brenda Lee! Yes, THAT Brenda Lee. So, I was all excited..you know, trying to think up a way to get myself invited over when she came to look at it. Maybe even help deliver it to her house and accidentally never leave. But then he told me that she wasn't getting the mattress because someone else had called first. I was completely out of my mind with remorse. Who denies Brenda Lee their used mattress?? I considered immediately listing my own mattress to see if she would call me but in the end, I let the dream die.

And in unrelated news, it's been decided that our most historic alley shouldn't be like an alley at all but like a beautiful thoroughfare.



What makes it so hilarious is that one: it's an alley. It's supposed to have garbage cans and potholes and beer bottles. And it's supposed to smell. And two: the reason that it's historic is because the country stars back in the day used to use it for access to the back door of the Ryman before and after their Grand Ole Opry performances. As people do in alleys. These stars hung out there. And used it as a thoroughfare to get to the honky tonks. It was an alley then and it was a-okay. If tourists don't want to go through the alley, then go around for pete's sake.

I love it when the teenage girl says, "It smells like beer. It just doesn't smell like Nashville." Seriously, hon. We have beer for breakfast here and learn to burp our own last names before we're in middle school. Okay, I jest. Sorta. But hello, you know what's connected to that alley? Honky tonks. With beer.

Anyhoo...as you can probably tell, it's a pretty big news day in Nashville. I promise to interrupt your soap operas if any more urgent news comes across the wire.

x's and o's (and beer, Barbara and bull semen),
Eartha

Dino-mite!

Another agony of defeat story from Craiglist today. I couldn't help but notice an ad for a free dinosaur. Of course, I figured it was a toy dinosaur. So imagine my surprise when I clicked the link:



That's right - a nine foot long dinosaur! For free! (And seriously..how cool is this teacher that she let her kids make this?)

I jumped into action. The first order of business was getting the Mister to say that I could have him for the patio. And he did! - but the only stipulation was that I needed to find someone to haul him home. Oh, the agony of driving a tiny compact car! I zapped off a few hectic texts and emails to friends begging, "Do you know ANYONE who can help me move a nine foot dinosaur??" but as you'd expect, got no takers.

And then, someone else got the dinosaur before I could. Sigh...

I could just picture myself in a pickup truck with my new friend, the dinosaur perched precariously in the back on his way to his new home at the ranch. And the cute eyes that I was going to paint on him. And the natty vest.

I'll have to hand it the award as the best "free" ad that I've seen on Craigslist in a while though!

And maybe I can talk the Mister into building our own dinosaur in the Fall when it gets cooler. I'll add it to the list.

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

Thirty you say?

After my post yesterday about the joy of used toilets, it's easy to see why some of my Nashville folk might have thought of me this morning when this ad appeared in the hallowed "free" section of Craigslist:



Um, they had me at hell no. I mean, even if one does have use of thirty used toilet seats, can the owner really make someone take the ones with brown stains that can't be removed?? I don't even want to think about it in too much detail. Not even the obsessive cleaner in me wants to go there.

That said, it's the wild-card nature of Craigslist that makes me love it so. I relish not only the great scores but also the whackadoodle-ness that goes on there too. Not since I read this in the "lost and found" section have I enjoyed an ad so much:

"I found a variety of cheeses in the North Nashville area. The cheeses were haphazardly strewn in a large, misshapen pail of some sort. The labels appear to be written in French, Italian, Latin or Aramaic (all I know is that it's not English!). Be prepared to describe this make-shift cornucopia of cheeses, so that I know that you are in fact the rightful owner. Please hurry, as one in particular is quite pungent, and possibly making my cat very upset with me."

That's right people. The cat is NOT amused. Which makes me realize that I never asked my cats what they think about the opportunity for us to snag thirty used toilet seats. They might just find it a formidable opportunity! But alas, at the time of this post, neither my calls to the offices of Sobu or Mishka have been returned. Though I reached Pip, she refused to comment.


"Meh"

In fact, it's a great morning for Craigslist in Nashville. Not only can a person score all of those used seats but they can also swing by and pick up this at no-cost:



Gag gift. Sure. Yep. That's what I say about that giant pair of granny panties that are floating around in my dryer. We all know the deal. And in an especially bold move, the owner of said product posted her name and phone number. Oh, Hillary!

Within minutes, this response was posted from a good Samaritan:



What the? If this has happened to me once, it's happened a thousand times! Within the hour, Hillary posted this:



She updated her post to read "Serious Users Only". Sounds like she's received quite a few prank phone calls from her ad. I mean, in all seriousness, who among us (if burdened with the gift of a sex swing, say at a bridal shower or Bat Mitzvah) wouldn't just donate it to a thrift store or re-gift it at the office during the holiday "Dirty Santa" gift swap? (Am I the only one who has always wondered why it's called "Dirty Santa" when the gifts inevitably turn out to be scented candles and cheese samplers? Why not mix things up a bit? Those fuzzy handcuffs too tight? Surely Hal from Human Resources can use them!)

Would one really consider listing an item of this ilk right along with other free stuff like used couches, baby food jars and chicken coops? Listen people, I am a Craigslist troller and I'll be the first to say that some of the people who have come to my house to pick up innocent things have turned out to be pretty creepy. You gonna list a sex swing and think that your day will be without incident?

I'm sure that this high drama will continue for a while so I'll keep my eye on it. Oh no, no need to thank me. And hello! to you new readers who landed here from internet searches due to my excessive use of the term "sex swing". I can promise you that I am a dirty, dirty girl. Just read yesterday's toilet post to prove it.

This post actually reminds me of the time a few years ago when someone stole my check card. I went to the bank to learn that yo, yo, yo! I didn't have any money in my account. I was the victim of a hotel reservations agent who had decided to run willy-nilly from pillar to post purchasing the following: cat toys, craft supplies, sex swings and diamonds. Yep. Cat toys, craft supplies, sex swings and diamonds. Sound familiar? That's right. I'm pretty sure that Maria sang about them in that song from The Sound of Music about favorite things - right after doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.

I really have no good ending for this post except to say that I really don't think that I'll be picking up any free items from Craigslist today. And I think that I've done my share of toilet posts for a while. You and the cats don't have to worry.

Until next time (remember.. sometimes, not even Clorox wipes will make it right)
x's and o's,
Eartha