Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Bug Lady and Me: A Tale Fraught With Woe

Today, I was reading Kimmie's post which happened to mention her contractor walking in on her in the bathroom (um....yikes) and this made me even furthermore dread this week's visit by our pest control lady. Since the very start, I've had embarrassing interactions with her, thus making me get nervous butterflies whenever she does her twice yearly preventative spray. And by "butterflies" I mean cannonballs being shot into the center of my stomach.

"Why would anyone other than the errant spider or ant quiver at the thought of the bug lady coming?" you might ask. It's all been about bad circumstances and crappy timing, that's why. The first embarrassing situation with her was at our old house. I was upstairs dressing and before I knew it, the Mister had brought her into our bedroom. I didn't even know that she had arrived yet. There I stood in my skivvies and there they were - the Mister with an "oh yeah....the wife is gonna kill me" look on his face and the bug lady looking like I wasn't even there. I think it would have been less mortifying if she would have reacted like most people act when they accidentally see one of their clients in their underthings - you know...embarrassment and shock and apologies. Instead she looked at me like I was a piece of furniture. A piece of furniture that probably would have worn a nicer bra if I'd known that she would be coming through all peek-a-boo.

The second experience with her was here at our new house. Up until that visit by her, I had been avoiding her - even leaving the house when she came. A couple of times, I'd go up to Sonic and sit until the Mister gave me the "all clear" because I was still so humiliated by her seeing me getting dressed at the old house. But this time, I decided that I was just going to do it. By God, I was going to stay in my home while she was here! That morning I stood at the kitchen sink like I owned the joint. She walked in the back door and took one look at me and says, "Wow! Congratulations!" I was completely stumped until I saw that she was staring at my stomach and lo and behold, she obviously thought that I was ripe with a little baby Kitsch.

I managed to stammer something about how I was only pregnant with too many grilled cheese sandwiches and scampered out of the room and confined myself to the back bedroom where the kitties were being cordoned off for her arrival. I was left weighing which situation with her so far had been more yucky. Since most non-pregnant women don't particularly like it when their stomachs are assumed to be packed full of another human person, I reasoned that we had finally topped the "hey! this is me in my bra!" incident. Besides, she'd seen me in my underwear - how could she think that I was pregnant when she intimately knew my body type?! I carry weight in my midsection. She knows that!

After she left, I remember blabbering painfully to the Mister about "Can't a woman just stand at her own sink? Can't she stand in her own bedroom in her bra? What do I have to do around here??" In fact, every time that she's set to come, I go off the rails on a crazy train. And that brings us to our third experience. This one is also twice as mortifying as it should be because she never acknowledged that it happened. When she came to spray that time, it was raining outside and she couldn't do the exterior. She did the inside of the house and said that she'd be back one day during the week when it was drier outside to do the exterior. Fine...whatever. Except for after she left, I wasn't thinking about her coming. It completely slipped my mind. So as one normally does on the average weekday, I was busy doing this:



Yes, I was break dancing with a mannequin boy. 
(the best damned dance partner that I've ever had) 

The photos were for a funny montage for my Flickr stream. I used to take lots of wacky photos with Jack and post them to Flickr and on this day, I was seriously cutting a rug, trying to get this photo shoot right. I probably danced for two hours and by the time that I was done, had thousands of photos. I was dancing hard too. I'm talking breaking a "Flashdance" flop-sweat. After I was done, I looked through the photos, giggling to myself. I was pretty happy with the results - until a few minutes later when I happened to go outside and find the bug lady's note on the back door that she'd been by to spray the outside of the house for bugs. Holy crap. She had seen me - a grown woman - breakdancing with a mannequin boy...in front of a huge open window! She hadn't knocked on the window or cleared her throat to let me know she was there. Or ANYTHING. 

I was MORTIFIED. I just couldn't break the chain of bad bug lady events to save my life! There was no way that she didn't see me popping and locking with Jack either. We were in the back bedroom and I had all of the curtains wide open for better lighting. When she sprays, she goes to each window individually and hoses down the entire casing around the glass. That meant that at some point, while I was dancing to C&C Music Factory with a plaster boy, she was standing right there in the window watching me. And hey, you know me...I had no idea. I was all Special K and Jack was my Turbo and we were completely breakin' it down. Had she seen me attempt to do the worm???

Of course, she has never mentioned it at all so I know that she thinks that I am some strange freaky mannequin fetishist perv or something. She probably looks at Mr. Kitsch with pity because he's married to a barren, bloated freak of a woman who dresses like some kind of Baby Jane Hudson does Punky Brewster and jitterbugs with inanimate plaster boys while he's at work, bringing home the bacon. I often wonder if she wants to take the Mister aside and tell him about my dirty little secrets. I also wonder if I am the fodder for fabulous fables at the pest control office now. When they train new workers, does she stand at the front of the room and use me as an example of "the kind of craziness that you're gonna see out there"?  

Ever since that day, I've hidden in the back bedroom with the cats when she comes. For four years, every six months I am a fugitive on the lam in my own home. I sit in that room with the kitties with the drapes firmly pulled tight. I know that she knows that I'm in there. And she knows that I know that she's out there. And for now, that's enough for me.


Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha

32 comments:

KIMMIE JONES said...

This is perhaps the best chain of events ever. My sister and I discussed that we should just stage mortifying events for the contractors. ..like me painting my mother nude or having a doggy tea party...we figured we should ramp up the weird as the 2 weeks wear on. I wish I had a mannequin that I could break dance with.

Eartha Kitsch said...

Haaaaa! I love that! I wish that y'all would. It would either get them out of your home faster - or make them stay longer...only time would tell! You can come breakdance with Jack and me sometimes. The old lady doesn't have the moves like she used to but I could manage y'all...take you on the road and make big cash or something. Thanks for posting about your incident. It got my wheels turning madly.

MmePolaire said...

Ugh.. I can feel every inch of your mortification. At least you didn't have a ring of chocolate around your mouth like I would have.
Have you though about switching bug ladies? That's pretty crass of her to assume you were pregnant!

Pellibaby said...

I couldn't stop giggling. Totally something that would happen to me (sans Plaster Boy). He gives me the creeps.

Mick said...

Oh my gosh, How wildly ebarrasing and slightly hysterical! I hate it when people that are there to work are in my home... it always makes me feel guilty, like I should be helping them or something.

Scrapatorium said...

Girl, you make me laugh to no end! And I have always loved the Lockers. Did you see the episode of them on "What's Happening"?

Jamie@OwlReally.com said...

oh my gosh - amazing stories!!!! i am SO glad that andy deals with our pest control and i never even know they've been there unless something is out of place. i DO often wonder what state they've seen our house in or if i've left out anything embarrassing...i never know when they're coming so i never prepare for it! i kinda like it that way, cause i'll never meet them!!

Betty2Tone (Laura) said...

Chances are she is either more mortified than you are, or she just doesn't care. This totally sounds like something my sisters and I would get ourselves into

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

I don't think I've ever laughed harder at anything I've ever read. Every incident was funnier than the one before. If it makes you feel better, I have a list of embarrassing events...not a chain like yours, but equally mortifying. Like the time in college when I stepped off the curb when classes were changing and literally fell flat on my face, sending books, paper and the entire contents of my purse flying. Or when I fell into Fort Worth's Water Garden with my 2-year-old. Or when my SIL saw me in a tank top and panties. At least you only have to avoid the bug lady. I have to avoid half the population of Dallas-Fort Worth.

Lisa said...

"There was no way that she didn't see me popping and locking with Jack either." ACTUALLY LAUGHED OUT LOUD. Oh! The mental images of these three, THREE incidents of anguish! Tragicomic. I would hide at Sonic, too. There's just some people you can't win with!

Anonymous said...

My boss had a good story, she locked herself out of the house in only a bath towel, due to construction on her house her only way back in was to stradle a 2x4 board for a good 20 foot scoot across a 1 story high break between her porch & deck. Her neighbor had a good view of her loosing the towel about halfway across. So see, at least you weren't dancing naked. ~An

Tasha said...

I'm probably a terrible human being for laughing at your inappropriate bug lady history, but damn, it's just so funny! Although I absolutely hope the event passes completely uneventfully from here on out!

Lauren T said...

I am dying! That is too funny...great stories. :)

Marty said...

Oh my gosh! What "luck!" Hey, I think it's awesome. I wish I was known as some kind of cuckoo (not that you are, I'm just sayin...) I mean, dancing with a mannequin is cool!! Maybe she wishes she could do that, you know--dance like no one's watching? Maybe she thought you knew she was there, and therefore thinks you are just really hip to not care (because that you ARE.) :)

Thanks for sharing this. You are sooooooo funny and I just love your blog!

p.s. As for me, I'm known around these parts as the ones with really close-in-age kids. 5-4-3. Closer than close. It's freakish.

Marty said...

p.s. I LOVE Baby Jane!

Mr. Tiny said...

If anyone needs to write a book, it is YOU!!! Hilarious! I am still laughing! Please, please, please get published; I will be second in line at the book signing...I assume the bug lady will be first in line.

Sufiya said...

There really are some people you just can't win with; they only seem to ever pop up when you are doing something weird! I read a story about this in Reader's Digest years ago called "Me Go Now". This guy found he was always doing something off the wall whenever his new supervisor would come around. I recall an incident where he was,f'r instance, caught putting earrings on a huge stuffed dog, and another time when he went over to his supe to say something and for some reason got "brain freeze" and just stood there looming over him for the longest time-and then came out with the phrase 'Me go now" (hence the title) of the story. It was quite funny, and I have since heard similar stories from other people!

Dolly the Bird said...

I think I almost peed my pants a little from laughing at those mannequin pics! HIGH-larious!!
I think Kimmie's got the right idea. You should specifically come up with weirder and weirder things to have her 'witness' while she's there!

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. Gotta tell you tho, I had a great laugh out of it. I hate having people in the house...contractors, grown adult children, whatever, because, no shit, they always catch you acting weird or get you in an embarrassing moment it seems. Or, if they don't, you are anticipating that they might and guarding against it happening. Who wants to live life totally on guard against appearing freakish/strange, right? I'm with the others who suggested coming up with weirder and stranger things each time she comes. Maybe she'll get so freaked out she'll get another bug person to do your ranch haus and you can start with a clean slate with them.

MySpecialAgent said...

Oh boy!
I thought my life was full of awkward moments. I think I should up the ante by dancing with inanimate objects. ;)

What Remains Now said...

This definitely needs to be included in your book. I'm ready to pre-order.

DearHelenHartman said...

Look at it this way, you are giving her a whole binder full of great stories to tell at Bug people gatherings. She may even win a prize for that mannequin one!

Karen S said...

Hilarious! What a great post. It made my day. I feel your pain-but I'm still giggling!

Averyl said...

ha! Having a picture window does have its drawbacks. :)

-Ranch Sister

JenGrosz said...

Oh my goodness, I'm laughing so hard my sides ache and there are tears in my eyes. You are such a funny gal!! I look forward to reading your posts. Keep up the great work!

cheshirecat666 said...

Oh you KNOW when her and her bug pals are swapping stories of crazy home owners she whips out her cell phone and shows them the pics she snapped of you and Jack. I would!

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

oh my gosh when kimmie asked me last night if i had read this yet, and told me to hurry home and do with when i said no i had no idea it would be THIS GOOD! i am CRYING! AND mortified for you! And still laughing about her standing IN THE WINDOW for more than a second spraying with your obliviously dancing with jack. i agree with mr. tiny, you need to write a book!!

Jacob said...

Okay, you're on such a roll, you really need to try to top yourself at this point :)

Stacy @ Stacyverb said...

TOO FUNNY!!! But you know, the fact that the Bug Lady seems completely unfazed by these incidents makes me think she's probably seen even weirder stuff than what goes on at your house!

veg-o-matic said...

OMG Can't Stop. Laughing.

Johanna said...

LOL! That's it. That's all I can offer. Chuckle-city here.

wickedvintagevixens said...

OMG, I'm dying. It's refreshing to know that stuff like that actually happens to other people, too.

~Katie