Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hey, Did You Happen To See The Most Random Blog Post in the World?

No? Then here it is. First off, Happy Thanksgiving to my friends who are celebrating today! I am so thankful for so many things but won't make a list here because I'll get all weepy. I will say that I am super thankful for you. It makes my day that you take the time to stop by Ranch Dressing and it's my honor to have you read my posts and/or leave your comments and encouraging (and sometimes pretty hilarious) words. I think the world of y'all!

So don't let a shadow be thrown across my exclamations of affection for you when you read this completely random kinda-sorta Thanksgiving themed post. I never really came up with a concrete idea for a post today. If this post were a pie, it would be the one that never firms up like the recipe says that it should. In other words I'll be serving this post to you, my guests over ice cream and pretending like I meant to make a delicious, warm sauce.

First up, there once was a granny cat named Polliwog....

The other day, she just...found us. This little kitty girl showed up at our back doorstep, about to fall over and die. We got her to the vet and quite truly, I could see the color drain out of the vet's face right before he gave us "the talk" and it sounded like more than likely, she wasn't going to make it out of there. She's full grown but only weighs about three pounds. She's teeny and if you pet her too hard or if the wind blows, she falls over. 

The good news is that she did get to leave the vet's office. She's quite sick and emaciated but now she's on our sun porch. The good news is that she's got a low rumble of a purr that she sometimes lets loose - and she loves tuna. We were definitely not in the market for another kitty but sometimes, fate puts a teeny kitty at death's door - which just so happened to be one block down from our doorstep. We're hoping the best for her and today, she'll be my new Thanksgiving companion. We named her "Pretty Polly" but call her "Polliwog" because we're hoping that she's in a tadpole stage and that soon, she'll be growing into a healthy, happy cat. Only time will tell if we can keep her or if we'll have to find another good home for her, but for now - I'm thankful that the universe let Polly find us.

Next up, I wanted to show you this cute Thanksgiving themed photo put out by an amazing rescue organization called Peace and Paws. 

What those pups are saying is correct -just say no to giving Thanksgiving foods to your pets. Especially bones of any kind. They can kill pets by lodging in their intestines and stomachs. My grandfather's dog, Petie died this way. Just say no, m'kay?  Peace and Paws often posts informative - and sometimes downright hilarious signs modeled by their pups. You can check them out on their Facebook page by clicking here. You'll find many more of their pup photos in their photo section there.

Another one of my favorites:

Twinkle likes to call himself "Black Dog Ninja". 

Here is a handy chart from the folks at The Dogington Post with some other holiday foods that can harm your pets. 

For a listing of more holiday hazards that you should know about to keep your pets safe, please visit this list here provided by the ASPCA. There are so many everyday items that we never think of as hazards for our pets. During the holiday season, be especially careful not to bring poinsettias, ribbons, tinsel or aluminum Christmas trees in to any home where pets roam. Some pets show them no interest but then there are kitties like mine who are out to ingest the entire world one house plant and computer mouse cord at a time!

I've told y'all before that I am a walking public service announcement and it's true. I'd make a whole mess of children a great overprotective Mom but since I have none, I like to protect everyone else in my life. Speaking of which, my brother never responded to my email warning him not to let his kids handle  those dishwasher gel packets. I bet he has a "Jeez Louise" folder for my emails. Hey though, ain't nobody gonna die on my watch!

Speaking of warnings, I laughed for like a million seconds when I saw this headline in bold print in the newspaper this week.

It paints such a pretty picture, doesn't it? Just say "whoa" to turkey washing, my friends. Or at least put it on a stick in the yard and squirt it down with the garden hose or something. It's probably pretty obvious that we're a tofurkey family. I wouldn't have any idea what to do with a real turkey if you put a gun to my head and yelled, "Feed this family of four or you die!"

Speaking of turkeys:

This illustration is being sold at an upcoming estate sale next week. Yep, that's a turkey with a cigarette hanging out of his beep-beep hole, people.

Wait, is that his beep-beep hole or are we looking at the whole other end? I told you...I so don't know turkey! I called the Mister in to look at the photo because during college, he was a meat cutter for a living. He said that he didn't know for sure but did note, "That's the most disturbing thing that I've ever seen in my entire life. That turkey gave up his life for that!" I'd have to agree and though I might take you to the linoleum for an old bottle of floor wax, you won't find me fighting you over ole Chain Smoking Turkey Face at any estate sale.

Speaking of disturbing, I once threw a birthday party with a paper turkey and made the Mister photograph the whole sordid scene. Nope, not grounds for divorce in Tennessee. He checked. 

I did these photos and made a video out of them for my sweet friend, Holly Joy whose birthday gets nearly eclipsed by Thanksgiving every year. As you can tell, it was a rousing party full of excitement and snack cakes. And that when I'm fueled by sugar and booze, I can go from happy to angry drunk in sixty seconds. 

I feel for anyone who has a birthday on or near a holiday. Mine is near July 4th and people always give me fireworks for my birthday. As you may know by now from all of my public service announcements and warnings, chances are good that I'm not going to come within a hundred feet of fireworks. Unless they're those paper chickens that shoot flames out of their butts. Those I like! 

Whatever you're doing today, I hope that you have a grand ole time - and if you're celebrating Thanksgiving, do practice restraint in the areas that need restraint. Take it from ole Eartha.

And for pete's sake, if you're inviting a turkey to your party, stick to theme and buy Wild Turkey and not Jim Beam.

Until next time,
x's and o's (and gobble gobbles!),

p.s. I hope that today and every day, all wishbones go your way. 


Kitsch n' Keen said...

Oh, I love the rescue kitty! My mom has one with about the same story. She still weighs about 2-3 lbs soaking wet but she is a happy lil thing. No teeth, can't lie down, underweight...but funny, sweet, and a little (quiet) purrball. Lucky you for finding a kitty like this! I hope it works out in your home! (Also, those dogs cracked me up!)

Eartha Kitsch said...

Aww! Bless your Mom for taking care of tiny little rescue kitty! She sounds like she needed a kind hearted soul and found one. : )

Sherrie said...

Oh Polliwog, how I love you. As an animal lover, it pains me to think of what happens to animals during the holiday season. It's quite atrocious and makes me cringe. Hug a turkey today! (or at least buy it a drink)

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, those dogs! SO FUNNY!!!! Clever doggies!

MySpecialAgent said...

That turkey looks so ticked off.
Like "I gotta party with this chick??"
Love the pictures.
Happy thanksgiving!

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

Yikes...that looks very much like a beep-beep hole to me. But I've never cooked a turkey in my life, so who am I to say? I hope Miss Polliwog starts feeling much better soon and that you have a very Happy Tofurkey Day.

Sparkleneely said...

You are so precious to me, and I'm thankful for you and your good heart every day. Awww, Polliwog. Awww, Twinkle. Awww, you partying down with a turkey. xoxoxoxo

cheshirecat666 said...

I celebrated today by decorating for Xmas,gorging,then finally succumbing to the cold Ive been feeling coming on for 2 days. I was stressed,but the fact that there was 5 Thursdays in Nov this year means it's only the 22nd and not the 27th,and I don't have to panic that I'm not done decorating before Dec 1st

Nyquil shooters,baby!

jaymie said...

Twinkle is my hero! I've got my 2013 calendar and can't wait to hang it in my office and laugh at the photo every day.
Also, Hooray for little polliwog, I'm so glad she knocked on your door and not death's.

girl. I knew you were messed up but a bday party with a turkey. that... it takes the friggin cake. bawwwaaahhahhaah that was NOT planned.

Happy T day to you.

Unknown said...

Awww so glad to see that little Polly is in your loving care! My birthday was yesterday so I can relate to your friend. It is on Thanksgiving every 7 years or so! Next year my brother's birthday is on Thanksgiving! HAH! :)

Betty Crafter said...

Oh I love Miss Polly! I'd be tempted to drive all the way to Nashville to bring her home if you decided to find her a new family. What a little dear. Bless your sweet heart for taking her in.

Unknown said...

Little Polliwog is so lucky to have found you. I've also "adopted" one to many strays that ended up on my doorstep in the past. They just seem to know which house will help them. I think I'm going to have nightmares of that turkey picture. On another note, I know all too well the issues with having a birthday so close to a holiday. Mine was the day before Thanksgiving this year. Never really had birthday parties as it was kind of hard to coordinate during holiday breaks. Doesn't bother me as much now that I'm older but bummed me out as a kid.

Mr. Tiny said...

I must tell you that one thing I am very thankful for is your blog! It is well written, consistently hilarious, and down to earth. I really do get excited whenever a new post pops up! Thanks for keeping us entertained. Next time you throw a birthday party with turkeys as guests, I want to be on the short guest list! Thanks again!!!!

Anonymous said...

Poor Polly, that happened to us last year. A tiny cat walked into our garden and the rest they say was history. My husband didn't think we needed 4 cats but soon succumbed . Perhaps it was the combo of her insisting on sleeping on our heads when we slept and the incredible, nostril burning , toxic flatulence she had in those first 2 weeks......

Vivian said...

Oh, thankful for Polly and for you for taking her in and giving her the love she so needs! We have a Polly of our own. She was a tough little girl, emaciated, very little fur and the flea collar someone put on her was tight and removed the fur two inched wide around her little neck! We fed her, tried to keep her inside, but she loved to hunt. We just believed it was part of her survival instinct she could never give up on. Oh, the critters she would bequeath to us! Now, 17.5 years later, she is still with us, sleeping most of the day, a little deaf, but still loveable even though her hunting days are long gone. I know she dreams of those days though. Breaks my heart to read of Polly's condition. I believe and have hope someone will adopt her. Thank goodness for you and your Mister!

Unknown said...

2 things: Why was I not invtited to paper turkey fest? and just the phrase "squirts bacteria" sent a shiver down my spine. I think it would make a great name for a slutty 40s gangster.

Jacob said...

Wait a minute.........Your husband used to be a butcher? Now I am confused :)

My Uncle had that turkey poster on his wall when I was a kid