Saturday, September 21, 2013

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

I want to thank everyone for your kind and very supportive words on my last post about how things go down on the internet. I'm happy to say that your taking time to comment has restored my faith in the internet. Three cheers!  I love y'all. Every one of you. And I'm so happy to see that there are some new folks who've decided to follow Ranch Dressing. That makes me happy too! I should probably use this opportunity (what with new readers and all) to stay classy and try to impress, but today is a special kind of day. It's the day when I clean out a little folder on my desktop that says "Find A Way To Fit This Into A Blog Post". Hell to the yeah. You know what that means. It means that I never found a way to do that so I'll fit them all into one post that will come across as completely bonkers.

Bonkers it is. Let's get ready to rumble!!

I think that it's important that you know that the entire time that I am compiling this post, I will be listening to a little hit from 1996 called "No Diggity" by Blackstreet on repeat. Yep, it's completely throw-back and shows my age about as much as my fallen arches do, but when I do my happiest writing, I always put that song on repeat. And let me tell you, poor Mister Kitsch is down the hall trying to work on a very grownup proposal for work so I know that he wants to come down the hall and rip the speakers out of my computer. Thank God that he's a pacifist.

Cartier wooded frames sported by my shortie
As for me, icy gleaming pinky diamond ring
We be's the baddest clique up on the scene
Ain't you getting bored with these fake ass broads...

I'm pretty sure that it's mortifying to see a woman my age talking about rap lyrics from seventeen years ago, right? So, let's get on with the purge. Kick it off, shorty: 

An old cookbook illustration from my shelf. 
Make up your own jokes about that one.

For those of you who are on Facebook, you know how the super computer spying brain tries to give you ads tailor-made to what it thinks your interests are. This pretty much sums up my ads:

Facebook knows that I'm all about the chicks. 

In related fashion, I get email spam nonstop from this site:

Um, call me back-in-the-day innocent but in my time, sluts were called "sluts" because of how free the access was. I don't need any help. Even if I was interested in finding a whole pack of them. Maybe things have changed since high school but you know.... I doubt it.

Wow, this post is probably getting even more uncomfortable than a forty three year old lady loving antiquated rap. You can probably see why I couldn't make an entire post off of these things, right?

Bump like acne, no doubt
I put it down, never slouch
As long as my credit can vouch. 

In the same vein, I did not get this free-to-first-taker bonanza offered on Craigslist recently:

I was watching this one and you have no idea how fast this free lot was snatched up. There is a joke in there somewhere. See if you can find it. Other things on Craigslist that I didn't go for include:

And they were giving it away for free!  Okay, it wasn't because I didn't want it. I completely did. It was because it was too far away and I'm pretty sure that a mechanical bull won't fit into the trunk of my car. Can you imagine inviting people over for a party and then unveiling the mechanical bull? I'd be the talk of the society page, dagnabit. 

"The hostess may have been a tad too obsessive about the drink coasters but she totally knocked it out of the park with the Gilley's atmosphere in the great room! "

I also didn't purchase these hot little items:

A rusty scaffolding system advertised as a dining table

A baby cage! 

Thanks to Lisa for recommending those both to me. She knows my taste, as you can see. I do have to admit that the kiddie koop interests me a little. We live fairly close to our vet's office and if I were to put some wheels on that thing, I could get all of the cats to the vet at once.

Rollin' with the fatness
You don't even know what the half is
You got to pay to play
Just for shorty bang-bang to look your way. 

I like they way you work it
Trumped tight, all day, ever day
You're blowing my mind, maybe in time
Baby, I can get you in my ride. 

I should really consider that one. I could even take other peoples' cats to the vet as a part-time job. Hmm.....

I'm down with O.P.P.
Yeah, you know me! 

Okay, totally different song but that fit in sooooo good. Finally, I'll leave you with this one:

My man has the good gravel and if you even so much as ask him to bring it to you, someone is going postal. Having dealt with more than my fair share of Craigslist free-stuff seekers (I'm talking to you crazy guy who took our free dog kennel but not before getting all sweaty and bloody and telling us how you like to slaughter turkeys), I have to say that I can't blame gravel guy for laying it down. 

I like the way you work it
No diggity
I got to bag it up. 

One time, the Mister and I posted a rug on Craigslist and two young sorority sisters came to check it out for their dorm room. As they were looking at it, one of the girls lifted it up to her nose and said behind a sneer, "Um....Meghannnnn....It smells like cat spraaaaaaaaay...."  Obviously, they didn't buy the rug. They high-tailed it out of our garage as if cat urine was a communicable disease.  And for the record,  it did not smell like cat pee. Just for that rug snub, I hope that Meghan and her little friend ended up buying another rug - a haunted rug which they placed between their matching twin beds and that haunted them every night until they looked old and tired like me. Yeah, I'll wish that on them. 

Some good came out of it however as whenever the Mister and I are in a thrift store and come across something particular cagey smelling, I can't help but use that quote. Most bad situations are worth it if you get a good joke out of them. 

And that will wrap up this edition. I hope that you all are having a great weekend! I've got so much work to do that I can barely even think straight. However, talking to you all and playing my favorite song at least forty times (or fifty three if you ask the Mister) and being able to clean out that overstuffed folder of madness has made me feel as happy as a lark! Play on, playette. We out. We out. 

Until next time,
x's and o's,

p.s. Congrats to Lisa and her beau, Matthew on getting hitched today! Married people say "yeaaaaah!"


amber said...


Hahaha, that baby cage is freakybusiness! I think you should get it. I would totally pay money for video of you trying to get a kitty in there while there are two more *dying* to get out. I see splayed, tensed limbs and puffs of fur floating through the air-- Instant comedy gold!

Sara In AZ said...

Oh yeah, I am SO going for that *good* free gravel AND asking him to load it for me! ha!

Great post girl.....way to go on fitting all those different things into one post all together!

mary scott said...

Ahhhhhhh.... the sweet feeling of being caught up on our to-do list for a day! Happy weekend! Mary

Jennifer said...

LOL! Great post. Just the laugh I needed as I relax after sanding and staining an old messed up shelf.

Cottage Dreaming and Flea Market Wishing said...

another awesome post!

Unknown said...

Oh, so someone else is getting peppered with "Access To Local Sluts/Slutfinder" ads too...anyone hearing nonstop from "Adriana21" as well? I would like to write back to "Adriana21" and tell her to stick her pesky spam ads where the sun don't shine, but that will likely only result in even a GREATER spate of ads being sent my way!

Hmm, they've got to have gotten the picture wrong on that rusty scaffolding one, unless the person got too involved as using it for a bar while placing the ad...

Betty2Tone said...

I went to the Ava Gardner museum last weekend, and it actually had her personal baby cage there! I never thought I would come across that twice in one week. I always heard the story of my grandma putting chicken wire over my dad's crib to keep him in, so I guess that seems less creepy now that I know baby cages are a thing

Karen/Small Earth Vintage said...

Ah, Eartha--this post rules! Baby cages! "They're at the end of the driveway." And non-clumped up junk gravel guy. Thank you!

susie Q. said...

Have you listened to the drum n' bass version of No Diggity? That's my fave. Btw, I read *a few* comments under said video on youtube (you said you never read those, I don't blame you!)-- but as a reply (to something mean, I don't know what it was) someone said, "Please extract yourself from this world." I liked that. The next time you're upset by some mean internet stuff, you can wish that on the offender.

Ashley P said...

I can't wait to tell my midwife that I want "No Diggity" by Blackstreet played on repeat at my child's birth.

Melissa said...

Hahaha, that song is totally going to be stuck in my head all freaking day!
Hahaha, oh's going to be a good day!

Hope Thompson said...

That baby cage! Ahahaha.

I'm dying at the thought of the porn movie guy putting piles of videotapes at the end of his driveway. Usually I'm not one to say "BUT WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK!" but.. seriously. The neighbors have to think that's interesting! Haha.

Katie said...

I want a haunted rug. :)

Kelli Davidson said...

Oh my God EK, I am a week behind on my reading so I'm going through my bloglovin' posts and I swear, I quickly move past nearly all until I get to yours and it's always worth it!