Thursday, September 1, 2011

Bits and Pieces

Today's post is made up of things that I find interesting but in no way can form an entire post around. Let's see where my failure as a writer gets us, shall we?

First off, this chair:

I LOVE this chair! The colors..the pattern. Hello, gorgeous! Unfortunately, I have asthma and can't have any thickly upholstered furniture in the house. Sad! But if anyone in Nashville would like this chair and has the breathing capacity of a healthy person, it was recently spotted at the Habitat for Humanity store on 8th Avenue and it's only thirty five bucks. Let my lung function loss be your gain!

Also spotted at the same store:

Giant puppy photo collage! Kapow! I asked the Mister to stand next to it for scale. He's about 6'4" so let me assure you that this thing is huge. And no, your eyes don't deceive you - in the bottom shot, he's conducting business at a very fancy desk! That little dog is about to sign some checks! This is the kind of thing that I love and if I had a huge home, I'd probably have it on my wall right now. I absolutely adore it when people are so into their pets that they commit to them on a large scale. And by large scale, I mean this large. I kind of can't stop thinking about it actually. So, I'd better move on.

Today, I was checking my website stats. I like to see where you all come from and how you find Ranch Dressing. Of course, there are lots of hits from folks looking to make salad dressing. And though most of those are searching for a zesty dressing with buttermilk and herbs, today I had someone find the site by looking up "bull sperm in salad dressing". Yes, you heard me right.

All together now: Ewwwwwww!

Looks like the tomato, celery and onion have not received the memo yet.

And being the intrepid reporter that I am, I researched just that. For about one minute total. And in a round-about way, it exists. And we can just stop right there. Maybe it's time for a good distraction such as taking a peek at some of the other searches that brought readers here:

Guilty as charged! And yes, for those of you who are long-time readers , you know that it's time to shield your eyes.




Ha! Sorry...I never get tired of that one.

In a stroke of luck, something that I have might come in handy right now. It's a card that my friend, Amber gave me and I happen to have it right here next to my desk. Here's a little respite for your pretty heads in the form of things that are pleasant - and in no way will remind you of fifteen folks bumping sterns and bows in a small barrel full of tepid water:

Okay, enough dawdling. Back to the list!

Oh, bleh! That one is definitely a big 10-4 as cave crickets are one of my biggest fears. Did you know that they are completely blind so they have a heightened sense of danger? And that when feeling threatened, they don't jump away but AT you? AND get this - if they get trapped and have no food, they'll eat their own legs off !! Holy mother of....Shudder. Dear cave cricket researcher, I hope that you found what you were looking for before they ate your eye sockets clean.

Up next:

Aww! So sweet! But unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that this person went away without any valuable information from me. I never went to prom and was most likely at home practicing the art of kissing the back of my hand or one of my Duran Duran posters. Sorry, lovelorn! If it's not too late and you're still here, I say just lay one on them. Though, don't slobber on your intended's face or in their nose.

That's a pretty good tip for most of life's big nerve-wracking moments actually. Don't over-think it. And don't leave slobber.

With that, I'll leave you with this edition of Bits and Pieces.

Until next time,
x's and o's,


sarajean said...

You should totally find a vintage-y ranch dressing recipe and post it on a tab or something that says "Here's some friggin' ranch dressing".

And LOL at the search terms. I totally have a visitor who stumbles upon me looking for any variation of "BBW, dominatrix, red-head, wearing stockings"... HAWT!

Eartha Kitsch said...

Hold the phone! That is a great idea! I'm going to make myself a section for a ranch dressing recipe. After all, it's the least that I can do!

And yes, wow...your visitors expect a lot more pleasant stuff out of your blog than they do mine - lucky! :)

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

i always check to see what search terms get people to my blog hoping for something weird and hilarious but it never happens.
and i didn't know any of that about cave crickets. and there are a million in our storm shelter. now i REALLY hope i dont have to go into in during a tornado!

Georgie Horn said...

habitat for humanity thrift store! On 8th ave...who knew!

1950s Atomic Ranch House said...

Hahaha I put a stat counter on my blog, but it crashed and burned about a week later. Thanks for reminding me I should put another one on mine, see what folks are looking for, to find mine!

I think I'll interject some odd words, just to throw them off jello wrestling and see if uzi gangsters it works lol. ;)

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kitsch n' Keen said...

Holy doodle, I kind of want that some odd way it reminds me of Christmas and being overly comfortable.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, I love looking at the google searches! Some of my recent guests found my blog by searching "birthday godzilla", "hugging penguin cake toppers" (which sound way adorable), and "pug in a cupcake hat" (which luckily, they actually did find on my site). But 70s Hot Tub Pics pretty much takes the cake. And I want that giant bichon poster for over my mantle!

Betty Crafter said...

I'm totally mentally designing a woodland-y cabin-y themed living room around that amazing plaid chair. Good thing I'm not in Nashville...hey wait! The mister is in Nashville right now! :)
I'm with Rae - I long for bizarre search engine visitors. Instead, I recently got "black old navy flip flops." I am doing something wrong.

Holly Hall said...

Our house is lousy with cave crickets. They live in the crawlspace and find their way up and into the bathroom fairly often. One crawled up my thigh in there once. I will not use the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning on every light along the way. ::shudder::

Good call on the signature Ranch Dressing recipe. Maybe it will grow and one day your winking face will be on a whole shelf of salad dressing bottles in the supermarket, just like Paul Newman. You could donate part of your proceeds to animal welfare concerns. Eartha Kitch's Famous Ranch Dressing!

Christine said...

Love this post, hilarious. Great idea to put a tab of recipes though. But please, skip the bull sperm!

Sara In AZ said...

Love that puppy pic girl! And that chair too!

That is hee-larious about the 70s hot tub pic!!!

I do think you need to come up with a special version of Ranch Dressing. How awesome would that be, your own special blend.

Wait, you never went to prom??? Neither did I. I Don't really feel like I missed out though.

Love the bits and pieces!

monogirl said...

A 70's hot tub will always remind me of the movie Eating Raoul. It's a Sweeney Todd like tale with a scene like the picture you have above. Except int the movie someone throws an electric coal starter into the hot tub. The naked 70's people then die and all fall out of the hot tub. Kind of hilarious.

art deco dame said...

I'm mad for plaid that chair I'd die for!And the salad dressing oh yes EW indeed,haha!