Monday, January 23, 2012

Just To Show You That I DO Exercise SOME Self Restraint

There have been some pretty interesting free items in our local Craigslist lately. None quite as thrilling as the giant dinosaur that got away but, still pretty interesting.

First up:

At first, you're led to believe that this is just your average, everyday free walrus head:

This walrus head has been in my family for years. I have never liked it. It was given to me by my Father in his will.

Yes...yes...I mean, who hasn't lost track by now of how many walrus heads we've been bequeathed? Then the ad gets more interesting:

I'm sure it's his idea of a way to get back at me for my alternative lifestyle that he never approved of.

I'm not sure how the two go together but I'm sure that this guy knew his Dad better than I did so we'll trust his judgment on family matters. He goes on to say:

I'm going to throw this in the dumpster by the end of the week. I can't even sleep with this thing in the house.

Now call me sadistic but I love picturing this guy tossing and turning, staring at the walrus head and then defiantly hitting the dumpster in his pajamas to toss that baby in. Even though I was thoroughly curious and sorely tempted to go to this guy's house and find out what his "alternative lifestyle" is and take that walrus head off of his hands, it just smacked of bad juju to me so I let someone else have that adventure.

Next up, vagueness:

This ad read:

Free Beautiful Thing - I have a very beautiful thing that has been in my family for a very long time. It's quite ornate and in very good condition so I hate to throw it out. Is there anyone who wants this?

Now, you call tell that I must have had a busy week not to have called this person - because this one just reeks of intrigue to me. Why wouldn't they name what this "very beautiful thing" was? Sadly, we'll never know because I lamed out. It was probably gilded and Rococo and had sassy velvet tassels and it's plush velvet was stuffed with old hundred dollar bills but noooooo...

Up next, I bring to you"free ugly chair":

The text:

FREE UGLY CHAIR - Hey there! I have a really big, very urlg chair for free! It's really nice to sit in, would look GREAT with a cover, but has damage from my dogs, and it's just...old. If you'd like to take it home, please email me! It's a light tan/white cloth with light blue and dark blue random pattern...

What's that? Want to see a photo of the chair?

The owner of the chair goes on to say:

That's my chair in the picture with the dogs sleeping on it..

Well, you don't say! And then the best line ever:

Kind of reminds me of the beach. Not sure why!

The beach! Ha! Something tells me that this person has not been to the beach in a really, really long time. That same something also tells me that they might have done better to use the approach of the previous ad and just put "Free Beachy Thing".

And if that chair was a day at the beach, then this couch has to be a luxurious Mediterranean cruise:

Ah...those glorious words that copywriters have only dreamed of coming up with down through the ages:

It wants to be under your ass all day.

Truth in advertising is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Until next time,
x's and o's,


DearHelenHartman said...

I am so sad there wasn't a pic of the Walrus head of passive aggressive fatherly judgementalness. You were wise to steer clear though. Bad juju.
My niece says she scans craiglist for entertainment all the time - now I see why.

Kally said...

I can't believe you didn't go for the walrus head. Poor Mr. Walrus!

GoVintage said...

You know that second ad was just another attempt by the first guy to get rid of the walrus head. He was desperate!

erin said...

you know i'm DYING over that free walrus head, right???

sarajean said...

Oh teehee, this made my day! Off to the Little Rock Haiku forums on craigslist now!

Jackie Jardine said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all day. These are some quality Craigslist postings, for sure. And like you I'm really curious as to what mystery lies behind the unnamed "beautiful thing." Strange...
<3 Jackie @ Let's Go Thrifting!

Sara In AZ said...

Lord have mercy...............people just scare me sometimes, you know. :D

Bandita said...


i absolutely love this post!

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

oh man, i need to start lookig on craigslist. i would have made travis go check out the walrus head for sure.

Lakota [Faith Hope and Charity Shopping] said...

Hahaha! Love this. If only we had proper working craigslist here. I sense many hours of amusement, not to mention intriguing treasure. There's a stuffed whole walrus at our local museum, it's enormous. I reckon even just his head would be a magnificent talking point.

Kate H said...

About the "very beautiful thing" ... doesn't this sound like some kind of trap? Like a wicked person thought: I'll post that I have a very beautiful thing, someone will come over to see it, and then I'll have them in my evil clutches! mu-ha-ha-ha!

I don't think I'd contact them.
Kate H

Kitsch and Curious said...

I'm kinda disappointed that you exercised restraint. In an ideal world, you would have the resources to create a theme park of crazy & kitsch. Maybe turn the disgusting chairs into thrill rides. "Round and round and round it goes, Who gets the fleas, nobody knows!"
Okay, not the chairs, but the walrus head? Come ON!

Oh, and you prompted me to look for craigslist in the UK, which I didn't think existed. I did find someone local offering a free 'ferrit' to a good home, though.

I exercised restraint.

cheshirecat666 said...

I'm all about the hillbilly bear on the couch,if I can hang out with him and have a smoke on the couch,I'm on it!

BEESTLYproducts said...

hahah. *off to craigslist*