You're so vain. You probably think this blog is about you. You're so vaaaaaain.
I'm stuck in front of the computer with a fairly disgruntled and very bitey cat sleeping on my lap so I thought I'd write a blog post. I've always enjoyed it when bloggers do the lists of fifteen things about themselves and even though it makes me feel vain, I'm going to step out of my wallflower comfort zone and go for it.
1. I'm afraid of cars. I hate driving them. I hate riding in them. I am the bane of existence to any poor person who has to drive a car that I'm a passenger in as I sometimes grab onto the dash and shriek like something caught in a trap. I'd gladly go back to the days of horse and buggy even though it would take forever to get anywhere. I love going to new places and road trips but the driving part -oh my god. I will not drive the interstate to get anywhere. Even if the interstate route takes twenty minutes and the back road route takes two hours.
2. I've been to the hospital a lot. The Mister and I once counted the number of visits and found unsurprisingly that he and I have been to the hospital together more than we've been on actual dates. I'm clumsy and apparently have no immune system. And am not a cheap date once you consider co-pays and that I always want Taco Bell when we leave the emergency room.
3. I have embarrassing TV addictions. I'm a bit insane over Criminal Minds. And The Ghost Whisperer. Even though it drives me crazy that Melinda Gordon always seems to end up in low cut nightgowns in each episode. And that even though she's the "ghost whisperer", she never seems to tell the mortals the important information that the ghosts are asking her to pass on. She always changes their words and abbreviates their messages. She's the Ghost Cliff Noter if you ask me. Still, something about those shows comfort me. Give me a space heater and Criminal Minds, and I'm as happy as a kitten in a shoe.
4. I love documentaries and hate comedy movies. Oh god, slapstick is completely lost on me.
5. I collect vintage postcards of tourists stopping their cars to visit with wild bears. They delight me.
6. One of my biggest regrets in life is that I once owned Bill Monroe's toaster but sold it for fast cash. I can even start crying thinking about it.
7. I want to be a detective but unfortunately, there's that car thing. There's only so much gumshoeing one can do when taking the bus.
8. Kudzu freaks me out. I always picture dead bodies beneath it. Ditto for big bodies of water.
9. One of my biggest dreams is to read something that I have written on This American Life. In related news, I have a massive Ira Glass crush - but I don't see us ending up together. Only him reading the intro to my story and getting that cute little chuckle in his voice that he sometimes gets when a segment tickles him.
10. When I was a little kid, my Great Aunt died on my birthday and every year after that, my Grandmother would say, "Avis died today" on my birthday. I'm not sure if it made me weird or put me more in touch with mortality. She even had it on her calendar each year - my birthday written down and then "Avis Died".
11. I was once a Christmas present in a stage version of The Night Before Christmas. I wore a large cardboard box covered in gift wrap. I didn't have any lines but was just well, a box covered in gift wrap. Obviously, the consolation prize for a kid who can't act is to be turned into part of the set.
12. I want to travel around and visit churches where snake handling, kerosene drinking and speaking in tongues is in full effect and do a documentary about them. Get to know the members. Go to their homes and talk about things. Exchange pen pal addresses.
13. It makes me cringe a little when people say the word "drool". Especially when it's over something like a cute dress or chair. I don't know why but it elicits a serious gag reflex.
14. I worked for eight years in my hometown library and it was my favorite job ever. I dream about working at a library again one day. Actually dream...like when I'm sleeping. Several times a week. I'll happily shelve books or work the circulation desk in my sleep and wake up smiling like a little kid. Or as my Dad says: like I dreamed about "big busted strippers and ponies".
15. While working at that library, a homeless man named Archie was one of my favorite patrons and we'd spend a lot of time chatting. He had some delusion issues and believed that he was Rudolph Valentino and that I was his daughter. His daughter who was actually so tiny when I was little that I lived in one of his back teeth. He'd point way in the back of his mouth and ask me if I remembered and I'd always say that yes, I did. And that it sure was dark back there.
Ahh...that was fun, wasn't it? Now what you know about me is basically that I'm a little creepy and paranoid and that I'm a bad actor who doesn't like to laugh. I can see the line of people wanting to be friends with me winding around the block now. Single file, people! Single file!
What about you? I'd love to hear!
Until next time,
x's and o's,