Monday, February 20, 2012

About me

You're so vain. You probably think this blog is about you. You're so vaaaaaain.

I'm stuck in front of the computer with a fairly disgruntled and very bitey cat sleeping on my lap so I thought I'd write a blog post. I've always enjoyed it when bloggers do the lists of fifteen things about themselves and even though it makes me feel vain, I'm going to step out of my wallflower comfort zone and go for it.

1. I'm afraid of cars. I hate driving them. I hate riding in them. I am the bane of existence to any poor person who has to drive a car that I'm a passenger in as I sometimes grab onto the dash and shriek like something caught in a trap.  I'd gladly go back to the days of horse and buggy even though it would take forever to get anywhere. I love going to new places and road trips but the driving part -oh my god. I will not drive the interstate to get anywhere. Even if the interstate route takes twenty minutes and the back road route takes two hours.

2.  I've been to the hospital a lot. The Mister and I once counted the number of visits and found unsurprisingly that he and I have been to the hospital together more than we've been on actual dates. I'm clumsy and apparently have no immune system. And am not a cheap date once you consider co-pays and that I always want Taco Bell when we leave the emergency room.

3. I have embarrassing TV addictions. I'm a bit insane over Criminal Minds. And The Ghost Whisperer.  Even though it drives me crazy that Melinda Gordon always seems to end up in low cut nightgowns in each episode. And that even though she's the "ghost whisperer", she never seems to tell the mortals the important information that the ghosts are asking her to pass on. She always changes their words and abbreviates their messages. She's the Ghost Cliff Noter if you ask me. Still, something about those shows comfort me. Give me a space heater and Criminal Minds, and I'm as happy as a kitten in a shoe.

4. I love documentaries and hate comedy movies. Oh god, slapstick is completely lost on me.

5. I collect vintage postcards of tourists stopping their cars to visit with wild bears. They delight me.

6. One of my biggest regrets in life is that I once owned Bill Monroe's toaster but sold it for fast cash. I can even start crying thinking about it.

7.  I want to be a detective but unfortunately, there's that car thing. There's only so much gumshoeing one can do when taking the bus.

8. Kudzu freaks me out. I always picture dead bodies beneath it. Ditto for big bodies of water.

9. One of my biggest dreams is to read something that I have written on This American Life. In related news, I have a massive Ira Glass crush - but I don't see us ending up together. Only him reading the intro to my story and getting that cute little chuckle in his voice that he sometimes gets when a segment tickles him.

10. When I was a little kid, my Great Aunt died on my birthday and every year after that, my Grandmother would say, "Avis died today" on my birthday.  I'm not sure if it made me weird or put me more in touch with mortality. She even had it on her calendar each year - my birthday written down and then "Avis Died".

11. I was once a Christmas present in a stage version of The Night Before Christmas. I wore a large cardboard box covered in gift wrap. I didn't have any lines but was just well, a box covered in gift wrap. Obviously, the consolation prize for a kid who can't act is to be turned into part of the set. 

12.  I want to travel around and visit churches where snake handling, kerosene drinking and speaking in tongues is in full effect and do a documentary about them. Get to know the members. Go to their homes and talk about things. Exchange pen pal addresses.

13.  It makes me cringe a little when people say the word  "drool". Especially when it's over something like a cute dress or chair. I don't know why but it elicits a serious gag reflex.

14. I worked for eight years in my hometown library and it was my favorite job ever. I dream about working at a library again one day. Actually when I'm sleeping. Several times a week. I'll happily shelve books or work the circulation desk in my sleep and wake up smiling like a little kid. Or as my Dad says: like I dreamed about "big busted strippers and ponies".

15. While working at that library, a homeless man named Archie was one of my favorite patrons and we'd spend a lot of time chatting.  He had some delusion issues and believed that he was Rudolph Valentino and that I was his daughter. His daughter who was actually so tiny when I was little that I lived in one of his back teeth. He'd point way in the back of his mouth and ask me if I remembered and I'd always say that yes, I did. And that it sure was dark back there.

Ahh...that was fun, wasn't it? Now what you know about me is basically that I'm a little creepy and paranoid and that I'm a bad actor who doesn't like to laugh. I can see the line of people wanting to be friends with me winding around the block now. Single file, people! Single file!

What about you? I'd love to hear!

Until next time,
x's and o's,


Jen said...

"And am not a cheap date once you consider co-pays and that I always want Taco Bell when we leave the emergency room." LOL! The Taco Bell part cracks me up! Especially since for me, it's Dairy Queen. And I don't even get ALONG with pasteurized milk!

You are so right about "drool". What are people thinking? Especially the ladies? Merciful heavens.

Barbara said...

You're insane!! That's why I love you.

I couldn't list all my faults, as I refuse to acknowledge any.

MissShapes said...

YAY! Someone else who thinks riding in cars is as dangerous as it actually is! My husband thinks I'm such a weirdo with all my gasping and clutching of the door handle...and oh BOY do I HATE semi trucks!! I always think they are coming over into my lane when I drive on the express way...yeah, I'm the definition of a nervous driver. It's good to know I'm not alone!!

Not sure I have ever commented before but I just wanted to say I would for sure be your friend based on everything I read. I'm 100% positive. :-)

DearHelenHartman said...

There are actually enough postcards of people stopping to visit bears in their cars to make it a collectible image! Learn something new every day.Love your list.

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

i loved this post! so hilarious! i can't even decide my favorite factoid. maybe the mental picture of a little living on her dad's back tooth!

Laura said...

You once owned Bill Monroe's TOASTER?? Lord love you child, I could get the box of tissues and some version of "Uncle Pen" for you!

Megan said...

You sound like a totally interesting, cool, and hilarious person to know! (Ira Glass should be so lucky :)) Especially the bit about working at a library. I hear it's all the rage with the cool kids... Haha. And the hospital? I hear ya! I've had about 10 surgeries and would be very happy never to step foot in a hospital again - although my dad always did buy me a Taco Bueno lunch the day before.

Straight Talking Mama! said...

I LOVE this, there's always such cool stuff to know about people

You are not alone I am also very accident prone I've even had to go to hospital on vacation cos I've had accidents, it makes life interesting...!!

Kate H said...

I wish you would consider writing a book about a detective librarian who rides her bike to crime scenes (a la Encyclopedia Brown). This might satisfy your urge to be a detective and a librarian. Also, you are lucky enough to live somewhere that odd things happen as a matter of course. You wouldn't even have to look far for a plot!

MamaHolt said...

OMG so incredibly hilarious in every way. The toaster, Taco Bell, the Ira crush, Archie. We'd be a good team because I'm from Texas and I can DRIVE. I mean, really, really drive. Anything - big trucks, trucks pulling trailers, fast cars, you name it.

Seriously, you are my new fave blog.

I blogged about your blog today. I should give you a bigger post, but I was kinda desperate for material today and you got shoved in there. wink wink.

Catherine said...

I think you're perfect. <3

SUZY8-TRACK said...

Weird that your grandmother would bring up the fact that Avis died on your birthday year after year. You would think that she would keep that to herself, and be happy for your celebration?

Lakota [Faith Hope and Charity Shopping] said...

Brilliant, I love these. Especially that you used to live on someone's back tooth. Sweet. I've been tagged in two of these random question things recently, I must get around to answering them.

Sara In AZ said...

You + Me and Cars/Freeways = complete breakdown mode.....ugh... and you know what I am talking about girl!

Dee Dee said...

GHOST: Tell him that I'm so sorry for all the hurt I caused him, and that I forgive him for the time he wrecked the car, and that I'll wait for him forever once I cross over.

MELINDA GORDON: She says she'll miss you too.

GW has been my guilty pleasure for years, but I get peeved when she abbreviates the messages to the mortals, too. I mean, this is the LAST CONTACT they're EVER going to have with their deceased loved one. Don'tcha think maybe it's worth passing it along, you know, WORD FOR WORD?

You gotta love a chick who sleeps in full make-up with her hair teased and sprayed, though. You never know when some ghost is gonna show up unannounced in the middle of the night, and we wouldn't want to look frumpy.

Lisa said...

Lord, the library patron thing. Sometimes I write down conversations I've had with people I've met at the Non fiction desk and read over them later, not half believing them even though they happened to me!

Great, great list! So sad about the toaster. Maybe some more Bill Monroe flotsam and jetsam will make its way back to you some day! It's so weird how those things work out.

Anonymous said...

i am dying here!!

The Needle Shop said...

I totally wanna be your friend.

BEESTLYproducts said...

you're going to have to fight me to get to ira glass! you ready for all of this?

(i hate cars, too. hopefully, ira is a drivin' man.)