Tuesday, April 9, 2013

My So-Called Embarrassing Life

While watching "The Voice" last night, one of the contestants did a great job but apparently got a little overzealous with her microphone. After she performed, she talked to the judges with red lipstick smeared under her nose the entire time. The poor girl was so danged cute but she looked like she had eaten a McRib sandwich in a wind tunnel. I felt so badly for her. She had no idea that she wasn't looking camera ready and I mean, how many millions of people were watching the show? She may or may not be the same contestant who joked about how she falls a lot and was really concentrating so that she wouldn't take a dive while singing. I can't recall because I was probably too busy projecting.

It all got me to thinking of how mortifying it would be to find out that you just made your worldwide television debut with a big ole lipstick smear under your nose - and I couldn't help but think back on some of the most embarrassing moments in my life so far. I know that I told you about my less-than-stellar incidents with the pest control lady already so you probably won't be surprised at some of these. Oh, and note: I'm sure that there will be worse ones before I'm done on this planet so Mother Universe, I am not challenging you to keep things real by locking me out of the house naked or anything. Duly noted, m'kay?

Up until this point, here are some of my fondest "oh hell" moments. And if you're squeamish about blood, bodily functions or teenage angst then you might want to skip this post. Here we go:

I once ran myself a nice hot bath and then sat down in it only to realize that I had just plonked down with all of my weight on a plastic disposable razor. The razor's casing broke and that brand new, sharp razor blade wedged itself into the meat one of my butt cheeks. Oh yes, church. They don't call me "Ole Scarbutt" for nothing. I remember standing up out of the water and seeing soooo much blood. Mortified, I tried to stop the bleeding with a towel so that I wouldn't have to tell anyone but before long, I realized that I was going to bleed out and die without some medical intervention. My husband got involved and then he called my Mom and before we knew it, I was being rushed to the ER. I couldn't sit so I was on my stomach in the back seat of the car,  clutching a stack of towels over my wound.  Of course, when I got to the hospital, the doctors and nurses had never seen my particular ailment before so they stopped by my curtained room in  droves to gaze at my wound and make jokes about my embarrassing predicament while I lay stomach down on the gurney.

Before long, I just succumbed to the oddness of the situation and chirped to each looky-loo "There goes my career with Playboy!" I'll never forget the pain of the doctor irrigating that wound to see if rogue bits of plastic had been left in - without any anesthesia . And those stitches. All of those stitches. Unfortunately, the mortification didn't end there as those stitches wouldn't allow me to bend over or sit for quite some time. I had to tell my employer about what happened to me and became quite the butt of office jokes. No pun intended. I also got some pretty good butt themed gag gifts from my family at Christmas that year.

It's funny - there you are in your home, about to take a nice long soak in the tub and before you know it, throngs of complete strangers are staring at your naked posterior. Don't ever think that you know what is about to happen in life. Let me tell you.  For instance, don't think that you can ever wear mismatched socks and have nobody see. This is from another time that I landed in the ER:

Always keep in mind that when you get dressed in the morning, there is just no telling who is going to see you undressed. No..no...I don't mean it like that. While I was working a job as an office manager, I had what was thought to be a stroke while sitting at the front desk. All of a sudden I couldn't talk or use one side of my body. I'll never forget a couple of my coworkers gently caressing my hair and whispering, "She's having a stroke. SHE'S HAVING A STROKE!" 

The paramedics came and as if the situation wasn't memorable enough, they removed my bra right there in front of God and country (and my male bosses). They then wheeled me out on a gurney for the whole office complex to come out and gawk at. And those who couldn't come outside? I saw them pressed against the windows taking in the freak show from afar. For the entire time that I worked at that company after that, I often found myself checking to see if my blouses and cardigans were securely fastened. I couldn't even walk to the copier or set up the coffee machine without wondering if my fellow coworkers and bosses were thinking "Saw her boobs!"

In a related mortifying moment, weeks later after seeing a neurologist for the above situation, I was walking through the hospital parking lot and realized that my car was parked one level down. I decided that the easiest route would be to walk down a grassy hill to get there. Before I knew it, I had lost my footing and slid down the hill like I was on an invisible sled, my skirt up over my waist with underpants unveiled for all the world to see. But I didn't stop there! I had so much momentum that I actually came to rest with the lower portion of my body under a parked car. I lay there, looking around to see if anyone had seen my fall from grace and was pleased to see that nobody else was around. I lurched out from under the car, pulled down my skirt and began to pick gravel and grass out of the backs of my arms and legs while walking gingerly to my car. It was then that I realized that there was a car full of people parked a few feet away who had seen the entire incident! I gave them a quick wave in some kind of lame attempt at saying, "It's okay! I do this all of the time!" and got the hell out of there.


Okay, I've just realized that with just like the two events above, sometimes embarrassing incidents beget embarrassing incidents - like this pair from seventh grade:

I have always been directionally challenged and without fail quaked in fear of  finding my classes at the start of each new school year. In that same vein, when I started seventh grade, I was assigned to a science class being taught by Mr. Williams. I ended up going to the wrong room and on name alone, took my seat in an art class being taught by another Mr. Williams. When my name wasn't on his roll, he just added it and there I was, a student in his class. Weeks went by before anyone realized that I wasn't supposed to be there and I was forcibly removed by the principal during class one day and exiled back to the intended Science class. But not before I could embarrass myself there. Oh no.... Something had happened a couple of weeks before. There was a boy in my class that I had a huge crush on. He sat next to the pencil sharpener and one day, I decided to sharpen my pencil just so that I could make googly eyes at him. Of course, I dropped my pencil but it gets worse. When I bent over to pick it up, a big stream of seasonal allergy snot dripped from my nose and left a puddle on the floor in front of his table! I. Had. Dripped. Snot. On. The. Floor. In. Front. Of. The. Cutest. Boy. In. School. 

That junior high story reminds me of how I got my period for the first time. (Oh yes, the "T.M.I" train is about to leave the station! Toot! Toot!)  Not even Judy Blume in her infinite wisdom could have prepared me for what was about to happen. It was the same year as the snot puddle incident - seventh grade. As you can see, seventh grade was quite the year for uncontrolled bodily functions. I was one pee or poop away from covering all of the bases! OF COURSE, in true "Dear Sassy Magazine...I want to kill myself!" fashion, I was wearing my white capri pants that day. Ladies, will you join me now in a collective groan?

I didn't know what to do (this was the age before we all had cell phones) so I sat hiding in a bathroom stall for the longest time and finally reasoned that my health teacher would know best since she talks about well, you know..body stuff. I knocked on her door and she left the class that she was teaching. She was very sweet and  tied an old cream faux Members Only jacket ("Members Club" if you have to know) around my waist to hide the evidence and sent me to the principal's office. My Mom picked me up and before the day was done, some mean girls told absolutely everyone about what had happened.

When I went back to school the next day, it was practically under martial law because I was determined not to go back. I was now "a woman" after all and could make my own damned choices! Once I was there, I found that I had been given all kinds of new cruel nicknames. If there was any bright lining to that cloud, it was that those nicknames took the place of the one that I'd been given previously. Apparently, those same girls had perceived earlier in the school year that I had big thighs and branded me "Hammy". If only I'd had the power of Stephen King's scorned Carrie. Hammy Bleedy Pants would have lodged swift fiery justice on those kids! 


Ooh! Just so that you won't think that my embarrassing incidents peaked out in seventh grade, I once had a ninth grade Summertime romance with a guy who thought that I was someone else. There was this guy named Wilson who was okay, oh my god...so hot. He had just what I was looking for - the tight jeans and the flyback hair and that gangly-but-intriguing physique of any well-turned tenth grade guy.  He was a year older than me and I had been crushing on him for two years. During the second year, a friend got tired of listening to me whine about him not noticing me and decided that she was going to fix things. School was out for the Summer and at some cruise-in at the park (wait...do kids cruise anymore??) , she told him that her friend who wasn't there had a huge crush on him and described to him who I was.  He said that he knew who I was and that he thought that I was cute too! Holy heck! We were going to be just like Hope and Bo on "Days of Our Lives"! He got my phone number from her and great day in the morning... he called me! 

After that, we talked every day on the phone for weeks. We didn't see each other in person since school was out for the Summer (I don't know...maybe we lived on opposite ends of the city....or on opposite sides of the railroad tracks like Andie and Blane..it's totally weird) but talked for hours at a time, sharing all of the stuff that teenagers share. I was totally in love with him and couldn't wait for school to start so that we could walk around with our hands in each other's back pockets like kids in the eighties did. The other girls were going to be SO jealous! I had already merged my name with his in imagined marital bliss all over my notebooks. It was all a dream until the one fateful day when he said that he was going to stop by and hang out in person. I waited on my front porch swing and before long, he appeared in his souped up Nova. I went out to talk to him and could tell that he was acting a little strange. He didn't stay long but I chalked his haste up to nerves. He never called me again. 

I then learned from the same friend who fixed us up that he had thought that he had been talking on the phone to some other girl all Summer and hadn't remembered who I was at all! Once he saw me, he realized his blunder and didn't think that I was "cute"in the least and headed for the hills. I chalked it up to my having gained some weight over the Summer and wrote him this totally ridiculous four page letter (in pencil on college-ruled notebook paper don't you know) about how he was shallow and should "give fat girls a chance too". I really did - and mailed it to his house with a postscript of "I'll be willing to give you a second chance and will love you forever" written at the bottom. Of course, he never responded.

And yes, I have looked him up on Facebook. He still looks great and never developed the huge boil that I'd wished would appear and disfigure him to let him know "how it feels" to be judged on looks. 


And here is an additional grown-up example of how the fun never ends: 

I once got  too close to a wall heater and melted the entire back off of my polyester skirt. The minute that it touched the heater, it must have just melted away. Somehow, I didn't realize it until I had driven downtown and trolled leisurely through an antique mall with my whole backside showing. At some point, I passed a mirror and was shocked to find that I had been flashing people right and left! It boggles my mind that I didn't feel a breeze but what boggles me even more is that you KNOW that people saw what was going on back there and didn't tell me! Wouldn't you tell someone -even a complete stranger - if the backside of their skirt was missing?? I got out of that store FAST. 

I'll stop here because this post has gotten reaaaaally long and because well, you people have never received pay to be my shrinks. Let's just say that along with those stories go other stories. Stories of stupid first impressions where I've said the wrong things. And job interviews where I just had to launch into stories about things like looking people for deer ticks and how if I were a dog, I'd be a golden retriever.  And falling into holes, hitting my head on cabinets, door jams and car trunks. And the two times that I have walked around in public with my skirt tucked into the back of my underpants. (A big shout out to all of the passengers at the Nashville International Airport who looked on speechless!)

 If you guys have any funny and embarrassing stories that you'd like to tell, please leave them in the comments. I'm sure that they'll make me feel better about my own history of "of course this is happening...of course!" And please, for the love of all that is good and holy - if you are ever with me and you see that I have a private part exposed or a huge chunk of spinach between my two front teeth, just tell me.  If I stumble into a ditch or a cactus patch, just lend me your hand.  Don't worry that I'll be embarrassed. Embarrassment and I go way back - why, we're practically best friends. 

Until next time,
x's and o's,


Unknown said...

Oh MAN! I seriously love you more and more every post. I don't know if its the kinship I feel because you are inspired to spill your guts after watching a reality ccompetition show! I can affirm that YES- it is crucial to always wear cute panties. I feel like you have inspired me to write about my mortifying moments. One involved peeing everywhere during math class in first grade and then having the incident blamed on a cat.

Jamie@OwlReally.com said...

oh, goodness. those are REALLY good.

i wondered about that lipstick mess - now it makes sense how it got that way! poor girl!!! that show is SO produced, you think someone would have yelled "cut!" and fixed her up!!

i think i block out all my embarrassing moments. freshman year of college, i was smitten with a guy and found out he had a girlfriend back home. i was walking in my new platform sandals with friends and fell OFF the sidewalk somehow just as i was claiming that i could fight her for him. "I could take her!" i proclaimed, as my foot wobbled off the sidewalk and i totally tripped over the height difference between the sidewalk and the grass.

my MOST embarrassing moment.. i will email to you. :)

Betty2Tone said...

My friends and I went to a sci-fi convention and one of the theme nights was witches so my friends and I went as the witches from Wizard of Oz, and my guy friend went in drag as Dorothy, beard and hairy legs included. We were in a mostly empty lobby and decided to take pictures of him "killing" me and stealing my ruby slippers. He was "kicking" the crap out of me and fake wrestling for a good 10 minutes. Then this door opens and this little old man walks out and asked if we knew that (behind us) was a 2-way mirror and laughed at us

MySpecialAgent said...

I'm sorry. I laughed until I cried picturing you sliding down the hil and landing under a parked car.
I have lots of embarrassing stories like that. I tell my friends: If it wasn't for awkward moments, my life would have NO moments.
You're in good company.

Lisa said...

WHAT. A. HOOT. OF. A POST. Poor Eartha! OMG. I can empathize with, oh, 100% of these stories. I will say that I'm most shocked about the missing-backside-skirt incident. Again, why didn't someone tell you?!

You should send some of these off to Reader's Digest-- do you think they still have that $50 submission prize for ones they include? That's all I ever dreamed about when something ultra embarrassing happened to me, ages 11-18, how I would write it up some day for inclusion in the "Life in These United States" feature and how I would spend the loot. It takes the sting out of the embarrassment! (kind of...)

Voodoo Kitten said...

I will neither confirm, nor deny, walking into poles while chatting away and staring into space.

Lauren T said...

First of all, nothing makes me happier than a good ol' Days of Our Lives "Bo and Hope" reference. My Granny used to watch every single day and then she would update my mom and I when we went to see her after I got out of school in high school. (Cool kids spend a lot of time at their Gran's assisted living home? No?). Also, thank you for making me feel much less mortified about every single horrible embarrassing incident in Junior High that still haunts me to this day. And there were MANY.

Beth said...

Oh. My.

My most embarrassing high school moment doesn't even come close to yours. You win. (And really, isn't school hard enough as it is, without being born a total derp? It's terrible.)

Natalie said...

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for posting this. I have had a terrible day and this made me chuckle so much. You know, you never know who you are going to help out in the blog world and consider me cheered up by this post.

I am definitely not laughing at you but with you in this because you know we all have embarassing moments like this.

Maureen said...

I laughed till I cried at these. You are so very funny, and such a good writer! I loved your description of going to school under "martial law".

Something that I did that I should be more embarrassed about, but I actually just find funny-I was walking out of the grocery store with a gallon of milk in each hand, I stepped into the parking lot, slipped on the ice, pitched forward and slid on my stomach about 4 feet, right in front of the store. On Saturday-the busiest shopping day! I was with my husband, and he was helpfully doubled over, laughing hysterically. The funniest thing? The milk just kept sliding, like I was in a curling competition or something!

I think the older you get, the less mortified you are about this kind of stuff. Things I would have been horrified at before, now I can laugh at much more.

I am going to bookmark this post, and read again when I need a laugh. So take heart, your embarrassing experiences are brightening a lot of people's day!

Kim Campbell said...

OK, I used to be a manager of a shoe store in the 90's. A men's shoe store. We had o dress nice so a lot of the time I wore skirts or dresses. I used the restroom one day, came out into.the.store and my skirt and slip were tucked into my panty hose by me rear end! I was married in my late 20's.

When I was in 4th grade I took gymnastics and dance. I went to get my photo taken with my step mother and grand mother. I was on my stomach in a pose with a leg propped up on my other leg. He wanted me to move back a bit so I wiggled back. it wasn't far enough, so he grabbed my ankle to pull me back. Right when he pulled I farted. LOUD.

I loved your stories! Thanks for sharing!!

Anonymous said...

OMG. I. Love. You!

I once ironed my polyester high waisted knee length black skirt that I wore to my part-time job as a front desk girl at a (somewhat) sleazy hotel ( I was paying my way thru college). I didn't realize until the end of the night, when the security guy walked in and laughed and pointed it out, but I had the PERFECT imprint of an iron on my left thigh, because apparently iron + steam + polyester = FAIL. All night long men were coming in and oggling me from the coffee station. Here I had thought it was because I was super sexy; nope it was my fracking skirt. I could have died on the spot. We must be twin universe sisters!

Stephanie said...

Had to be when I spent the night with a sick friend (she called me pretty late and I jumped in the car in my pajamas). I was practically out of gas and had to stop at the filling station on the way home in the early am. So here I am, a 40 year old woman in flimsy, pink pj's trying to explain herself to a filling station full of macho hunters. All I could come up with was, "I've never done anything like this before." I'm sure they were thinking, "Yeah, right."

Rae - Say It Aint So said...

oh my god the bathtub story is my worst nightmare! i can see that happening to me, and then sitting there in the hospital with my butt out!!
i am fortunate to not have that many i can remember, but once on campus when i was a very new college student i was riding my bike and feeling pretty cool. then my lace got tangled around the pedal and i very very slowly fell off the bike! and it was REALLY hard to get the lace untangled so i could get up! i was mortified! and so many people walked by and pretended not to see me.

Betty2Tone said...

I remembered another one! I was picking up a friend at her house for the first time and I ended up knocking on her neighbor's door thinking I was at the right house. Some man just said, "Come in!" and I assumed it was her husband, so I walked right in. He was in his underwear, smoking a joint, and very obviously not my friends husband. I was so embarrassed but forced myself to be cool and just ask, "Oh, hey, is Katie around?" and he said she lived next door and I turned around and GTFO ;)

Liz said...

Dear Girl!
I'm ever eternally thankful for your wonderful stories. I relate, I laugh WITH you and I cringe in acknowledgment!!

Here is my latest "oh. so. not. cool" moment. Funny enough it combines the current tale and recent Mad Men mentions!

Was chowing down at a nice, quiet eatery in the back of Disney California Adventure last August with my teen and her BFF, when low and behold I spot The Christina Hendricks! Yes RED, Glorious Office Gal Extraordinaire, just 3 TABLES AWAY!!

Cue Hyperventilation, Cue Idiot Stammer, Cue Teen Giggles.

My ruse to make eye contact and perhaps say Hi? Take our trays to trash can. Yes, the one right next to Joanie!

Just as I approach the spot between said can and table, up comes a freak wind and I SPILL the tray, napkins, utensils et ALL.

I grab, dump, and skeedaddle away as fast as I can and head back to the now rib-slapping oh, so, not supportive teens cracking up at my Epic Fail!

Thanks for the memories! :)
Long time reader, 1st time poster,

Anonymous said...

Oh, I can surely relate. My latest embarrassment happened just last July at the fanciest schmansiest wedding I've ever attended. It was at a hotel with ice sculptures, open bar, Frank Sinatra impersonator - the whole nine yards. I had to use the ladies room and was wearing heels and pantyhose, a deadly combo to be sure. As I was trying to hike-up my pantyhose, my left knee completely gave out, due to an old aerobics injury, and I hit the floor of the bathroom stall. My hose and underwear were still down and my dress was hiked-up around my waist. The stall covered my face but my posterior and hoo-ha were on full view of everyone in the bathroom. I was in so much pain I couldn't move for a few minutes and just sat there crying, ruining my mascara. A woman did stop outside the door, as if to check on me, but then decided against it because I think she thought I was drunk and didn't want to get embroiled in a potentially bad situation. Finally I crawled over to the toilet and used it to hoist myself up. I removed the pantyhose and shoes and just went back to the wedding limping, barefoot and red-eyed from the crying. Thankfully, due to the aforementioned open bar, I don't think anyone really noticed.

veg-o-matic said...

My only funny story happened just now when I peed myself laughing. At work.

Barbara said...

All I can add is that I thought I was the only one who that stuff happened to.

While I've never sat on a razor, I have done equally bad things.

I love you so much!!

Vanessa said...

LOVE the honestly in this post. It had my sitting with my hand on one ass check in sympathetic horror for your situation. I'm incredibly clumsy (it is never cute like it is in romantic comedies, never) but somehow have managed to avoid breaking bones/getting sent the hospital for injuries/losing clothes in public. Though I'd have nip slips in swimsuits so often that they don't phase me in the least anymore no matter how crowded the area I'm in is.

Hm...my top embarrassing moments: 1) Having the teacher read a note I gave to a lab partner about cheating on our results to the class, 12th grade. 2) Getting stupid drunk in front of the hottest Scottish athletic scholarship soccer player guy I'd ever managed to almost-bang and a good friend. Oh, the next-day humiliation for formidable. 3) Various cases of being "discovered" in places I shouldn't be at times I shouldn't have when the parents drop back in from out of town. One time I was hidden and discovered under a sheet on the floor. So embarrassed I wanted to sink through the floor.

At least it's always funny when we look back on it. As for the teachers who liked to read notes aloud, I'd sometimes pass boring notes like "what was last night's homework" or "I love school" to spite them. They never read those ones aloud.

Vanessa said...

Oh, and I will never sit in any shallow body of water without checking for sharp objects again now. Thanks for the new phobia ;)

Unknown said...

Oh you and I have so much in common. Here's a goodie:

I was 19 and going over to my bf apt. I was driving my little geo metro. I pulled up to the security gate and tried to reach the keypad. I couldn't stretch my arm far enough so I decided to open my door and get out to reach it. As I put my left leg out of the car I took my right foot off th brake. Yep, I forgot to put it in park. I fell out of the now moving vehicle an hit my hip hard on the brick driveway. As th car rolled away it ran I've My foot! The car proceeded to roll down the slope driveway because yes it's my luck the drive was sloped.it rolled over. Lovely plant in bed an into a security fence!In my horror I ran to try and stop it but there was nothing to do but watch. The ladies in the office ha watched this happen an came out. Instead of being nice or helpful they started yelling an freaking out about their flower bed. I had to explain this embarrassing incident to my bf and ended up having to pay for the flower bed repairs. It was horribly embarrassing. Luckily I only ends up with a huge bruise on my left hip and my foot was fine. Geo metro are surprisingly light! There no one else has ever heard that story other than my then bf. I know use my brake AND my emergency brake while parking. Haha

j. wilson said...

oh Eartha! These are the best, best, besty best of embarrassing stories ever! I fear I may have too many to tell and might have to do my wn post and turn this into a meme...tee-hee. Here is one for starters. I once dropped a pair of underwear from my pants-leg onto the freshly mopped floor of a Jamba Juice...

letthemwin said...

Oh Heavens you just tickle me to no end. See there was a reason for all the embarrassment in your life, so that you could brighten the day of another.

Honey Stop The Car

Unknown said...

When I was a freshman in High school, we had band practice in the Summer. Being the early 1980's I had on denim cutoffs, a baseball tee, striped tube soks with stripes on top and old school Nikes. We had to practice our marching drills raising the sole of the foot to the height of the altenate knee. Well, I hear a RIP and felt cool air between my legs way up high. I had torn the crotch seam of my cut-off's and was now wearing a denim mini skirt. I immediately left the practice field to the safety of my Moped to go home. Only, the wind from the open air forced what was left of my mini skirt to flap up as I drove. I solved this by removing my helmet and placing it over my crotch as I drove. That worked great until I was pulled over by a police woman for driving without a helmet. Sheesh. I explained my situation but I got a citation none the less. Plus, I had to drive the rest of the way home Al Fresco. Very embarrassing for a kid in a small Texas town...lol

Kelli Davidson said...

You seriously need to put a warning at the top of this post that if you haven't gone to the bathroom in the last 5 minutes, there's a 99% chance you will wet your pants about midway through! I'm so sorry, but those are some of the funniest situations I've ever heard except for the guy who "didn't think you were cute enough". Dick. You DID say that was his name, right?

Nancy said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I have tears in my eyes. It's a gift to just be able to laugh at yourself! My kids roll their eyes at me all the time, but I tell them I am just giving them material for their memoirs, and they will thank me later.

My most embarrassing moments...well... I had a super nosy 9th grade english teacher who wanted us to write a story about our most embarrassing moment. Like, who wants to do that? However, I learned it can turn into comic gold.

When I was in eight grade, I was suppoed to watch my little 7 year old brother while my mother went to the grocery store.. Believe me, I couldn't care any less about what he was doing. I decided to work on my tan, and set up a chaise lounge in the back yard, complete with my lemonade, bain de soleil, and I had the radio positioned out the kitchen window so I could rock out to my disco tunes. I decided to hike up my bikini a little bit, so I wouldn't have obvious tan lines. I was maxin and relaxin to Rock me gently, and all of a sudden, someone taps me on the shoulders. I open my eyes, and it's a cop in full uniform. He asked me if I knew someone named Andy. I said 'yes, he's my brother". Well, the cop said, while he had his own little looky loo, he called. He said no one was watching him.

nice A+ material for that english paper!

Jen said...

Oh, Eartha. I thought I'd had some embarrassing moments in my life, but you poor thing! It is amazing, really, what we can go through and still hold our heads up, seriously. What doesn't kill us...I mean, some things have happened to me—more like me doing things to myself—but...Though that story about the boy is terrible. Nothing about YOU, but...that's more "what a shallow jerkface" than embarrassing, because there's no reason to be embarrassed when someone else is exhibiting their complete lack of brain cells. He's just a shallow coxcomb!

Though my first period—white SHORTS on a Friday the 13th. Thankfully, it was also Good Friday, so I was at least at home. Well, walking the dog. Oi.

And they called me "Toucan Sam" (due to my big nose) from 7th grade 'til I left the parochial school for the public one. Unfortunately, my church youth group consisted of many of the same people I had gone to school with, and even our youth pastor—on whom I had a HUGE crush—called me "Toucan Sam" a couple of times. Ouch.

There's more, but I'm not sure any of it is nearly as bad as what you've suffered! Nearly swanning off stage during a ballad, maybe? I did walk smack into a sliding glass door at a cast party once, too, though that was so funny I laughed myself silly. What else can we DO?

ESalazar said...

Well, I think when you wear vintage clothing, you're bound to pop a seam from time to time. Of course I popped one completely up the back of the skirt of my dress while dancing. As I teach kindergarten, I promptly pinned it up with 10 safety pins and nobody cared or even noticed.

And my pattern here is I split a pair of pants while, yes you guessed it, dancing with my kindergarten students. Fortunately I had been given am apron with my name on it that very day as a gift. I wore that and walked carefully for the rest of the day. And after school I went to the local tractor supply- it is a very small country town that I commuted to- and bought some Wranglers. And I had to wear them all evening for a school event. Oh yeah, and I couldn't walk like 10 feet without running into families at the store... and there I was in my cutesy teacher apron with my name on it trying not to show my business.

Rob and Monica said...

Oh my, oh my! If you never, ever have another uncomfortable moment in your life (and I hope you do not), you have enough to write a very humorous book. I think Erma Bombeck would be jealous! (Rob)

Hope Thompson said...

Oh my god, this post. WE NEED TO BE FRIENDS! Everything embarrassing happens to me. I can't even think of a specific example right now because there are so many things. Wait no, here's a middle school story-- when I was in the dreaded 7th grade we went on an ice skating field trip and I almost passed out and everyone made it this huge horrible Thing. I was goofing around with a friend and she yanked me down onto my butt. I didn't hit my head, so this reaction makes no sense, but everything got REALLY DIM and dark and I couldn't hear anything (the joys of passing out! Which I'll come to know well later in life because I used to get dehydrated a lot before I realized that humans are supposed to drink water, but anyway). Everyone gathered around me and I'd never passed out before, obviously, so I had NO IDEA what was happening and I was really freaked out and saying "I can't see! I can't seeeee!!"

I never actually lost consciousness but it was close. The worst part was that everyone thought I was faking it and kept saying "Hope's gone blind! She thinks she's blind!" and then later another girl faked almost passing out (for some reason? wtf?) so that made me look even less credible. The whole experience was weird and made no sense. And they all laughed at me on the way back, because of course they did.

Also I don't think I've ever met anyone else with the leaky faucet nose problem! That still happens to me and and it'll drip when I bend over. Jeez. The other day we were in the car and my husband was like "Your nose is leaking," and I didn't even notice it because I'm used to it happening now and then. So.

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

If confession truly is good for the soul, yours ought to be in great shape, girl! Some of your escapades make my falling into the public water gardens with my 2-year-old sound absolutely boring. Also, been there, done that with the skirt in the underwear, as well as the skirt in the underwear plus a toilet paper tail. We all do embarrassing things, but I guess how well we laugh them off is an indicator of how healthy we are. :)

Sara In AZ said...

Girl, if there is ever a piece of spinach between your teeth I've got your back!!!

Mr. Tiny said...

You are so brave to share all of these stories. I will do whatever I can to not expose any part of my body (even to the doctor). I can't imagine getting stitches in my backside!!! You are hilarious and I think you need to come and tell me stories every single day. I'll bet they're even better when told in your voice!

Morgen said...

Oh, you are amazing!

I've always been petrified of getting in trouble. When I was in 5th grade, I got in trouble one day for having a messy desk. I had to stay in at recess and clean it, with a few other students. I had to pee so bad, but I was petrified that the teacher would yell at me and not let me go. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up sitting in a puddle on the floor by my desk. They made me change into lost and found clothes. I tried making up a story to cover it up, but having witnesses didn't help.

Then there was the year that my grandmother bought me a beautiful dress with twirly skirt and patten leather shoes. I was so excited to wear them to school. I made it through the day feeling awesome. Then, walking down to the busses, with all the other bus riders in the school, it happened. The slippery soles of my shiney shoes made my feet just go out from under me. My skirt flew up around me and I slid a few feet down the hill, scraping my butt and thighs with a wicked road rash. It was a long bus ride home.

Thanks for sharing!

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I'm jealous because I want to be your only friend, your BFF, and I can see from the comments that you have plenty of friends. Thanks for another good laugh.

SUZY8-TRACK said...

Awesome stories! I was cracking up...but also cringing a little, imagining the humiliation you must have felt. At least you have a wonderful sense of humor about it all.

Adrienne said...

I don't think I have the balls to share my most mortifying moments! But you might have inspired me to try. Your storytelling is spot on, as always :)

What Lola Wants

Sufiya said...

Of course I am suddenly "drawing a blank" trying to think of my "most embarrassing" experience, but while i am cudgeling my brain, I will share the Miss Manners rule of thumb when and if you see somebody with "a problem". That is to ask yourself: "Can it be remedied easily?

If underwear is stuck in the back waistband, that's a problem about which something "can be done", so you should tell them.(discreetly, please, and maybe even act as their 'wingman" while they resolve the problem!)

If it's something about which nothing can be done (a big stain/tear on their clothing), then SAY NOTHING and pretend not to SEE it, either, to spare them embarrassment.. Though mind you, if I saw that some young woman was starting to show a bloodstain on her pants, I think I'd discreetly give her a "heads'up" about it BEFORE it got any worse!

I have also let men know when their flies are undone. I have also let them continue on like that. Depends how I am feeling that day! :-)

Well I can't think of any of my own, but I will tell you about one that I am quite sure was completely humiliating to a couple living in a nearby small (largely Mennonite, very uptight) town: Apparently BF had rented a Batman costume to give GF a sexy thrill; he tied her naked to the bed then went out of the room, put on the costume, and swooped into the room to 'rescue" her. the grand finale was his climbing up onto the dresser o"leap" down on her-only he managed to conk his head on the ceiling fan and knock himself out cold...she had to scream and scream until somebody called the local (volunteer) rescue unit, who had to break down the door...I can't imagine how they lived it down!

And no, this is NOT an "urban legend"; it was an actual local incident (that later DID become an "urban legend"!). I read about it in the local paper at the time, and later got actual confirmation from someone on the emergency room staff in attendance that particular evening!)

chutti said...

Eartha- We all just love your stories! I'd buy a book for sure.

I've got plenty of my own embarrassing moments, but can't do them justice as you might.

Thought you'd get a kick out of one of the sweetest gifts from a long ago flame. He interviewed a couple dozen folks (friends and not) about their incidents, and edited it to look like they were all ABOUT ME! Boy-did I look like one jet setting well rounded klutz.

I think your pest control lady doesn't know what a good thing she has!

Gina said...

Ok, here's mine: back in my mid-20's I worked as an animal control officer in Arizona. One day a call came in about a skunk being stuck in a pvc pipe. It turned out the site was an apt complex and a big crowd had gathered to see this little officer yank a skunk out of a pipe. After some reasoning, I decided the logical thing was to lasso him with a snare pole, unstable and then run.

So, I did just that in order except the part where I had no idea skunks could quickly contort faster than I could run. Last thing I remember was a green stream and blindness. I could hear the gasps the huge crowd, but no one would come to me. Finally some one took pity and lead me to a hose. I called my boss to tell what had happened and I was told to go to the er. There, I literally cleared out a very busy waiting room. I had to wash my hair in tomato juice. The smell lingered for days!

I was the laughing stock at work as can be imagined. The good thing about is I learned skunk spray is harmless to the eyes and, to this day I am completely immunized to the smell of skunk.

erin said...


Anonymous said...

I just love your blog - thank you for being so amazing!
A lot of my embarrassing moments came from being a first generation Canadian, my parents were from Germany and we lived on a very tight budget. I wore hand-me downs from my sisters (most of which were hand made and matching, so I wore the same outfit for three years on photo day) and the neighbours boy, though I thought I rocked those red corduroy bell-bottoms (10 years out of style), I was really skinny and the flared bottoms would wrap around my legs and trip me unexpectedly at least 3 times a day - almost got run over by a car wearing them....my worst moments were when my parents bought me horrible rubber winter boots (the cool kids wore leather Cougar boots - I think this might be a Canadian thing)my boots were awful and everyone teased me, I kept leaving them in the school yard and I kept getting called down to the office during morning announcements so that they could give them back to me, I thought that they were cursed for weeks until I realized that my mom had written my name in them...she also made me a head cheese sandwich for lunch one day...no one sat near me in the gymnasium for weeks (yes, I had to eat in the gym...) I was also really tall and my second hand clothes were too short, so I heard 'floods' so often and was called Lerch from the Addams family. I also had the white pants Judy Blume incident (happened during band practice and I had to wait until everyone left and run home - and yes I played clarinet) xo

Anonymous said...

Just read this entry,am a couple of days behind! Thanks for your stories, was reading in both amusement and as a fellow klutz in sympathy as well!
Owwww....razor blade on your behide, how awful!
Read through all the comment section too, so many funny stories.

I had that horrible grade school period experience, was wearing tan cordory's, walked home with a jacket tied at my waist while my best friend explained to my male teacher why I was MIA.

Once I was in charge of training new employees at work. I had to meet up with them in the lobby and escort them up to the area where the training was done. I had this large group of people following me down a hall, someone asked a question I turned my head to answer and walked into a part of the wall that jutted out for a heat duct. Walked right into it. Then I had to train this large group of people for the morning. Oh god.

I did the skirt/underwear flashing thing too, only it was at the hairdressers. I had my hair washed, then was walking over to the chair for the cut and somehow my skirt got bunched into my underwear at the back, I couldn't figure out why the ladies were looking at me. Also, I didn't know the hairdresser who did the haircut...and she never told me, I left the salon like that too.

I like reading other people's stories...nice to know that so many people have had "incidents" too!
Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

OK here is one of my many. OK here are two. First one I was in 1st grade and its the end of the day and I really have to pee. I'm pretty sure that our teacher was a former drill sergant because we would have to line up next to our desks and which ever row was the neatest and quietest got to leave first. I raised my hand and the told the teacher I had to go really bad but she said "no be quiet and stand next to your desk."
As the rows were being dismissed our row was last so I just whipped it out and whizzed on the floor only to have the teacher catch me mid stream. Told her I had to go. The look on her face was priceless.

Later in life I'm at my girlfriends house and we are how should we say it, we were playing hide-n-seek in bed when we heard her mom come home I hopped outta bed like there was no tomorrow only to hop right onto the backing of an earring which went right through the bottom of my foot, that in turn caused me to go crashing through the sliding doors of the closet. As you can guess we were busted.



Anonymous said...

Almost forgot did I ever tell you about the time I was stuck in a car wash? Yup got stuck early one morning in a car wash the track just stopped working then all the brushes stopped, I was trapped in the middle of a freaking car wash all alone. So I figured I could drive out. Wrong I ended up jumping the track and crashed my car into on of the big ole brushes. Try explaining that to the cops. Yes I was tested to see if I was drunk and no I was not. Just panicked and hit the gas. I figured if I didn't I'd still be sitting there.


kindacrunchy said...

I LOVE this blog!I just stumbled upon it,being a retrorenovation fan.I have been lol-ing all morning,thanks to your mortifying stories! You are adorable and I Looooove your house.Thanks for making my morning a good one!