When! Nature! Attacks!

Oh, Spring... I'd love to say that I love Spring. That I run around in cute little sundresses with no shoes, gathering wildflowers and..

ACHOO!!

Okay, I can't stand Spring. Let me count the ways..




1. Pollen: Last year, I went to an allergist who shoved needles into my skin which were covered in every kind of allergen known to man. I learned there that I am not allergic to Spring pollens like most people are. Yet somehow, I have been completely killed off by the pollen this year. The florescent yucky yellowness has coated everything and I was in bed all weekend, coughing and whining. And watching International House Hunters on Hulu which always makes me embarrassed to be an American. When I finally unraveled and began to cough-shriek at a woman who didn't understand why tiny Taiwanese apartments wouldn't hold her precious king-sized bed, the Mister came in and intervened by putting on season one of Mad Men. God bless him. And his cough syrup pushin' ways.

Related: I want this. I REALLY want this:



2. Ssssssnakes: The other day, I was in my garage and needed an extension cord. I bent over to grab one from the floor and as luck would have it, I noticed at the last minute that oh my gosh, there was a snake there too! Okay, can you imagine if I had picked up the snake instead? Dear lord. So, I started screaming. Not a quaint little scream but a full fledged "I am in a horror movie and a man is chasing me with a machete through the woods" scream. I don't know where it came from but out it came. The Mister heard me all the way on the other side of the house and came running. And don't believe it when people say, "They're more afraid of you than you are of them." I was the only one screaming and running, people. Mister Snake had done copped himself a squat and wasn't going anywhere. In fact, I think he had called room service and was waiting on a lunch menu.

I jumped into the Toyota and slammed the door and screeched at the Mister through the closed window as he pursued the snake and got it into a cardboard box and took it way back into the wooded area. Now, going into my garage seriously freaks me out. I don't mind snakes in their own element. But not in MY element. And not when they pretend to be extension cords. However, I'm glad that I learned that I am actually one of those people who can let out a scream when terrified and not be rendered mute like I sometimes am in my nightmares.

(In related news, in one of my cough syrup fueled dreams, I dreamed that there were piles of snakes all over my house! Yet, last night when I didn't take any cough syrup, I dreamed that I adopted a pair of sweet kittens. Nancy Reagan was right about drugs. Drugs = piles of snakes. No drugs = kittens.)

Related: Best movie to TV profanity hiding over-dub ever:



3. Spiders: Tennessee is spider country. We have these S.O.B.s here called Brown Recluses whose bites will rot your skin out if they get ahold of you. 'Nuff said about those guys because as I have learned in the past, much like Beetlejuice, the mere mention of their name brings them forth.

Related: Because I refuse to post a video with real spiders. And Joi is a scream.



Whoowhee..Did you see that cobra? I think I used to date that guy. Thanks Match.com!

Now onto something happier. Blog stats!

I learned that some folks found Ranch Dressing this week by looking up these phrases:

1. Dinosaur Semen
3. Babies in Bathroom Toilet Paper
3. Pictures of Toilet Seat Births
4. Pantyhose Potato People

Truly, number four makes me shudder the most. Only two of the four listed above have ever been mentioned here on Ranch Dressing. I sometimes wonder how many people I fail by not having what they come here for. Especially the dinosaur semen people. Sigh. I predict that it will be a long time before I have anything to offer the dinosaur semen folks.

Until next time,
x's and o's,
Eartha